Alex Bruno
In a startling move designed to cater to an ever-growing market of those offended by the mere existence of societal progress, beer giant Anheuser-Busch has launched its newest product: ‘Murica Suds. In the wake of the divisive “Easy Carry Contest” featuring transgender TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney, many were left yearning for a beer that felt more in tune with their desire to, quite literally, never change.
While Bud Light’s marketing campaign left conservatives frothing at the mouth faster than a shaken beer can, ‘Murica Suds promises to quench their thirst for traditional values and non-controversial beer drinking. Adorned with a logo featuring an eagle clutching a diesel-powered chainsaw and an AR-15, ‘Murica Suds is set to win over the hearts and taste buds of those looking for a brew that screams freedom from wokeness.
Bud Light’s Pride-themed cans were the tipping point for many, sparking outrage, frustration, and questionable acts of protest. Now, with ‘Murica Suds, no longer will the conservative beer drinker have to experience the existential crisis of sipping from a can with a pronoun. In fact, the ‘Murica Suds can doesn’t believe in pronouns; it’s simply “Can.”
In a show of solidarity, Kid Rock was seen applauding the announcement of ‘Murica Suds while simultaneously struggling to destroy a case of it with his AR-15. The can’s reinforced design proved impervious to bullets, further cementing its place as the anti-woke beverage of choice.
‘Murica Suds has not been shy about embracing its target audience, enlisting a star-studded lineup of endorsers, including Marjorie Taylor Greene and a guy who once wrote an angry letter to his newspaper about millennials. Congresswoman Greene applauded the beer for its refusal to chill, stating, “I’d rather drink a warm ‘Murica Suds than a cold beer that supports human rights and compassion.”
What sets ‘Murica Suds apart from the watery competitors? Apart from its stellar marketing and unbreakable can, this new beer contains a secret ingredient that allows the drinker to time travel back to a period where social progress was as unheard of as craft beer.
One satisfied customer stated, “After a six-pack of ‘Murica Suds, I found myself living in a world where the internet doesn’t exist, and neither do complex human emotions. It was great!” While many are praising ‘Murica Suds for its audacity and nostalgia-inducing taste, others question the sustainability of a product so rooted in resistance to change.
Megyn Kelly expressed her support for ‘Murica Suds but added, “If it starts to taste too good or become too popular, I’ll have to find a more obscure beverage to align with my unyielding principles.”
Whether ‘Murica Suds will become the new beer of choice for those disenchanted by the perils of acceptance and empathy remains to be seen. One thing is certain: as long as beer companies continue to tap into cultural wars and human rights debates, we can all look forward to a never-ending stream of entertainment, confusion, and oddly flavored brews.
In the meantime, ‘Murica Suds will be available in stores next month. Each six-pack comes with a coupon for a free monocle, perfect for peering skeptically at societal progress, and a booklet on “How to Protest Marketing Campaigns: A Guide to Destroying Things You’ve Already Paid For.”
Grab your cans of ‘Murica Suds, toast to the past, and let the taste of nostalgia wash over you. After all, who needs progress when you have a non-woke beer?
