Wokeness
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Breaking: Denzel Washington Declines Disney’s $50 Million Project, ‘They’re Too Woke’
In a shocking turn of events, Denzel Washington, the actor known for his nuanced portrayals of complex characters, has turned down a whopping $50 million project with Disney. The reason? According to Washington, Disney is “just too woke” for him. While some might see this as a principled stand, others are left wondering if Washington’s […] More
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Breaking: Bud Light Finally Replaced With A Non-Woke Beer
In a startling move designed to cater to an ever-growing market of those offended by the mere existence of societal progress, beer giant Anheuser-Busch has launched its newest product: ‘Murica Suds. In the wake of the divisive “Easy Carry Contest” featuring transgender TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney, many were left yearning for a beer that felt […] More
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Breaking: Elon Musk’s Tesla AI Tags Bud Light Trucks As ‘Woke’
In the latest twist of the ongoing Bud Light saga, Tesla’s self-driving cars have reportedly started to recognize Bud Light’s trucks as ‘woke.’ This unexpected turn of events came to light when a Tesla owner noticed the unusual description on their vehicle’s speedometer during a routine drive. The incident was captured when Twitter user @ElectricDrive, […] More
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NHL Teams: No More Pride Outfits, ‘We Look Stupid’
In a move that left even the Zamboni driver slack-jawed, the National Hockey League (NHL) announced this week that they would discontinue their use of “pride outfits,” confessing that they felt they looked a little… ridiculous. You could almost hear the muffled giggles of players across the country, decked out in their color-coordinated, regular uniforms […] More
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New: Bud Light Messes It Up Again, Introduces A New Rainbow Themed Beer Can To Support ‘Wokeness’
It seems that Bud Light is on a roll these days, and unfortunately, it’s not in a good way. In a classic example of “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” the beer giant seems to be looking for redemption after losing its throne in the American beer market. But this time, their […] More
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Elon Musk: ‘Woke Mind Virus Should Be Destroyed Just Like Bud Light’
In a startling twist of events, Tesla CEO and Twitter’s newest kingpin, Elon Musk, has drawn an analogy that is as unusual as his regular tweets. He recently took to Twitter and compared the ‘woke mind virus’ to… wait for it… Bud Light. Yes, you read that right, the man who sent a car to […] More
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Go Woke, Go Broke: Disney’s New Ultra Woke Movie Crashes At The Box Office, 2nd Worst Opening Ever
Disney’s recent animation, Elemental, did not quite make the splash it hoped for during its opening weekend. With a mere $29.5 million yield, the film just barely surpassed the lowest opening weekend record for a Pixar film, previously held by 1995’s Toy Story 2. Looking back, Toy Story 2 debuted with $29 million, only slightly […] More
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Just in: Disney CEO Publicly Admits Wokeness, ‘Yes We’re Woke, There’s No Denying in It’
As the classic Disney tune goes, “When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.” But in an unprecedented move, Disney CEO has publicly confirmed that the dreams coming true at Disney are increasingly Woke ones. Speaking from a press conference at Cinderella’s Castle, the CEO made the startling admission. “Yes, we’re Woke,” said […] More
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‘No More Wokeness Here’: Elon Musk Bans Pride Celebration At Twitter HQ
Ever since taking the helm of Twitter, Elon Musk has been no stranger to controversy and daring decisions. His latest move, however, may be his boldest yet. In a sweeping policy change, Musk announced the cancellation of Pride celebrations at Twitter’s Headquarters, stating emphatically, “No More Wokeness Here.” It’s a striking step, especially considering the […] More
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Businesses Promoting ‘Wokeness’ See an 80% Decline in Their Sales
It seems as though there is a growing shift in the marketplace as several businesses that have jumped onto the ‘wokeness’ bandwagon are seeing a drastic plunge in their sales. According to recent reports, companies that have publicly adopted or endorsed ‘woke’ ideologies have seen an average decline in their sales by up to 80%. […] More
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Just in: Bud Light Continues To Be More ‘Woke’ Despite The Boycott
The lights remain on at Bud Light, but with each passing day, it seems the company’s motto might as well be “the woker, the better.” Despite facing an ongoing boycott that has significantly hurt their bottom line, Bud Light continues to lean into their commitment to supporting progressive social causes. The beer giant appears to […] More
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Just in: Elon Musk’s Twitter Goes ‘Woke’
As if the world of tech and social media wasn’t swirling enough with buzz and bytes, the Twitter universe has lately been thrown into a paradox of sorts. The catalyst? None other than Twitter head, Elon Musk, whose own platform has apparently turned ‘woke.’ Let’s not forget this is the same man who proclaimed, “Wokeness […] More
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