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Breaking: The NFL Enforces a ‘Permanent’ Ban on Taylor Swift Amidst Ratings Freefall
In an astonishing twist of events, the National Football League (NFL) has announced a ban on global pop sensation, Taylor Swift, from attending any further games, citing a precipitous drop in TV ratings coinciding with her appearances. The decision has sparked a blaze of controversy and discussion, especially among Swifties and sports fans worldwide. “We’ve […] More
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Breaking: Bud Light Suffers Billions in Losses After Appointing Colin Kaepernick as Their New Brand Ambassador
In a series of events that could only be described as a marketer’s worst nightmare, Bud Light, America’s former longtime No.1 beer, has found itself in the midst of a PR storm. First, it was the backlash from the Dylan Mulvaney sponsorship, and now, the appointment of Colin Kaepernick as their brand ambassador has led […] More
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‘Men Can’t Compete with Women’: American Swimming Association Issues Lifetime Ban for Lia Thomas
In an unprecedented move that no one saw coming (or maybe everyone did, depending on which social media echo chamber you inhabit), the American Swimming Association (ASA) has issued a lifetime ban for Lia Thomas. Their explanation? The eloquent and irrefutable “Men can’t compete with women.” And just like that, the ASA has single-handedly solved […] More
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Breaking: Bud Light Names Colin Kaepernick as Brand Ambassador
In a move that has left many spitting out their beer (hopefully not Bud Light), the iconic beverage brand has announced its newest brand ambassador: none other than Colin Kaepernick. And in a twist that no one saw coming, Kaepernick’s first statement? A firm commitment to avoid shampoo endorsements. At a lavish press conference held […] More
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BREAKING: Trump’s Bail Was Just Revoked in Georgia
In a twist that no one saw coming (or did we?), former President Donald J. Trump’s bail in Georgia has been revoked. Now, before we dive into the juicy details, let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer audacity of it all. It’s not every day that a former leader of the free world finds […] More
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Breaking: NFL Declines Kaepernick’s Request to Return, Suggests He Pursue Shampoo Endorsements Instead
In a move that has left many scratching their heads (and not because of dandruff), the NFL has responded to Colin Kaepernick’s plea to return to the game with some, let’s say, “unique” career advice. Instead of donning the jersey and cleats, they’ve suggested he might be better suited for… shampoo commercials? At a hastily […] More
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Colin Kaepernick Begs to Rejoin the Team, Vows Never to Kneel During the National Anthem Again
In a shocking turn of events, former NFL quarterback and now renowned civil rights activist, Colin Kaepernick, has made a desperate plea to be added back to an NFL team. And guess what? He’s vowed never to kneel during the national anthem again! That’s right, folks. It seems the man who once stood (or rather, […] More
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Breaking: Oliver Anthony To Join Kid Rock And Jason Aldean For ‘You Can’t Cancel America’ Tour
In a move that has surprised both fans and critics, country music star Oliver Anthony announced he would be joining forces with Kid Rock and Jason Aldean for the “You Can’t Cancel America” tour. The tour, which promises to be one part musical extravaganza and three parts comedic opera, has left fans wondering what they […] More
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“I don’t get any respect”: Megan Rapinoe To Leave America After Heavy Criticism
America, as we know it, experienced its greatest shock since it was revealed that avocado toast costs $12 at some hipster cafes. Megan Rapinoe, the icon of women’s soccer, pink-haired and ever ready to make a statement, announced her intentions to leave the country. Why? “I don’t get any respect,” she exclaimed, following a missed […] More
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Breaking: Denzel Washington Declines Disney’s $50 Million Project, ‘They’re Too Woke’
In a shocking turn of events, Denzel Washington, the actor known for his nuanced portrayals of complex characters, has turned down a whopping $50 million project with Disney. The reason? According to Washington, Disney is “just too woke” for him. While some might see this as a principled stand, others are left wondering if Washington’s […] More
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Breaking: Tom Cruise to Go to Space This Year and Not Return
In an unprecedented move, transcending the boundaries of both cinema and sanity, Tom Cruise has announced that he will be venturing into the unknown cosmos aboard Elon Musk’s SpaceX Rocket – and he won’t be coming back! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right: Mission Tom-possible is on, and this time, it’s interstellar. Elon […] More
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Breaking: Elon Musk Challenges Whoopi Goldberg to a Cage Fight Match, Shifting Focus from Zuck
In an unforeseen twist that only adds to the never-ending saga of tech giant escapades, Elon Musk, the mind behind Tesla and SpaceX, has announced a shift in battle plans. Fresh off the heels of his withdrawal from the much-hyped cage fight with Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg, Musk has found a new and rather unexpected opponent: […] More