Alex Bruno
As the classic Disney tune goes, “When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.” But in an unprecedented move, Disney CEO has publicly confirmed that the dreams coming true at Disney are increasingly Woke ones. Speaking from a press conference at Cinderella’s Castle, the CEO made the startling admission.
“Yes, we’re Woke,” said the CEO in an almost cheerful manner, “There’s no denying it. The Fairy Godmother in our parks now offers Gender-Neutral transformations, Snow White has begun hosting seminars on toxic masculinity, and Captain Hook – well, he’s just called ‘Hook’ now. He’s no longer a captain; we thought that was too hierarchical.”
The admission came after months of speculation following a wave of progressively ‘woke’ changes. Remember when Ariel’s undersea struggles were just about wanting to be human? Well, no more. Her struggles are now a biting critique of single-use plastics and ocean pollution.
Likewise, Belle of “Beauty and the Beast” fame is no longer merely a bookish villager who falls in love with a Beast. Instead, she is now an advocate for Animal Rights and interspecies understanding.
Mulan? Oh, she’s not just disguising herself as a man to save her father. No, she’s tackling complex gender issues and teaching kids about the fluidity of gender roles.
“But really,” the CEO continued, “our most significant achievement is making the Mad Hatter… well, not so mad. We’ve partnered with several mental health organizations to help the Hatter navigate his way to emotional well-being. We feel this promotes a healthy attitude towards mental health.”
It seems no Disney character is safe from this ‘Woke’ revolution. Even our beloved Mickey Mouse has swapped his iconic red shorts for a pair of ethically sourced, organic cotton pants. And don’t get us started on the tea-serving controversy at the Boston Tea Party ride at the American Pavilion.
In response to this shocking admission, reaction on social media has been mixed. Traditional Disney fans were aghast, with many pledging to toss their vintage Disney VHS collections and planning to picket outside Disneyland with signs reading, “Bring back the original Dumbo!”
However, others praised the move, lauding the company for its forward-thinking and progressive ethos. “Disney is leading the way,” said one Twitter user, “My kids now learn about climate change from Moana and civic responsibility from Zootopia.”
The CEO ended the conference with a shocking announcement: “Next up? We’re planning a ‘Woke’ reboot of ‘Sleeping Beauty.’ In our version, it’s not just Prince Charming’s kiss that awakens Aurora, but the realization of the systematic gender biases in society.”
As the conference ended, one thing became clear: Disney is riding the magic carpet of Wokeness. How this will affect the magic kingdom’s revenues remains to be seen. But, as Cinderella herself might put it, they’re certainly doing it bibbidi-bobbidi-style. If Disney’s fairy tale endings are anything to go by, this tale of ‘Wokeness’ might just end with “and they woked happily ever after.”
