Alex Bruno
In a shocking turn of events, rumors are swirling that Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz may have more than just a soft spot for fries-stuffed sandwiches. According to an anonymous source that may or may not exist, Walz is said to hold a financial stake in Pittsburgh’s iconic Primanti Bros. restaurant chain—a revelation that has left political pundits, social media, and sandwich enthusiasts in a state of disbelief.
The speculation surrounding Walz’s alleged connection to the sandwich empire has sparked intense debates and conspiracy theories. After Primanti Bros. refused to serve Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. Vance, some were quick to point fingers at Walz, claiming that he had a hand in the decision, motivated by his hidden financial interests. The accusation now raises the question: is Tim Walz playing a behind-the-scenes game of sandwich politics?
For nearly a century, Primanti Bros. has been known for its giant sandwiches packed with coleslaw and fries—a blue-collar meal beloved by Pittsburgh locals. But in recent weeks, the chain has made headlines for much more than its carb-heavy offerings. The controversy started when J.D. Vance was turned away from one of its locations during a campaign stop, igniting accusations of political bias and fueling calls for a boycott from conservatives.
But just when you thought things couldn’t get more absurd, rumors emerged that Tim Walz might be pulling the strings behind the scenes. According to a vague report from an anonymous “insider,” Walz has a financial interest in Primanti Bros., and this alleged investment is what led to the chain’s decision to bar Vance from entering.
As soon as the whispers hit the internet, social media exploded with wild theories and sandwich-themed memes. “First, they serve fries on their sandwiches, now they’re serving political agendas!” one Twitter user joked.
For Tim Walz, who is running as Kamala Harris’s vice-presidential pick, the timing of these allegations couldn’t be worse. His team has been focused on presenting the governor as a folksy, down-to-earth candidate, a leader of the people with Midwestern sensibilities. But if these financial ties to Primanti Bros. prove to be true, it could paint a very different picture—one of a politician secretly benefiting from a sandwich empire while wielding it as a political tool.
Critics of Walz have wasted no time jumping on the story. Right-wing commentators, fresh from their outrage over J.D. Vance’s exclusion from Primanti Bros., have now doubled down, accusing Walz of using the sandwich chain to push his progressive agenda.
“This is exactly what’s wrong with our country,” fumed one political commentator on a conservative podcast. “Politicians like Walz are secretly controlling businesses, using their financial clout to silence conservatives. It’s no surprise that Primanti Bros. refused service to J.D. Vance—they’re just following orders from their puppet master, Tim Walz.”
The fallout from the alleged Primanti Bros.-Walz connection has also put J.D. Vance in the spotlight. After being turned away from the North Versailles location, Vance took to social media, expressing his frustration at being caught in the middle of what he described as “a ridiculous political circus.”
“I didn’t come for politics, I came for a sandwich,” Vance tweeted. “But apparently, even our sandwiches are now controlled by the woke left. If Tim Walz really has a stake in Primanti Bros., it just proves how deep this goes.”
Vance, who has previously claimed that he would “fight for the everyday American,” has vowed to never set foot in a Primanti Bros. again. “If Walz is in charge, they can keep their sandwiches,” he said during a campaign rally. “I’ll take my fries on the side, thank you very much.”
Primanti Bros. has remained tight-lipped about the allegations, refusing to directly confirm or deny any ties to Tim Walz. In an official statement, the restaurant chain simply said: “Primanti Bros. has always been about bringing people together over great food. We do not have a political agenda, nor are we influenced by any one person or group.”
But despite their efforts to stay neutral, the chain has found itself at the center of a political firestorm. Conservatives are calling for a boycott, with some accusing the restaurant of bowing to the “woke mob,” while others are questioning whether the chain can truly remain unbiased in today’s polarized climate.
“We’ve seen this before,” said one analyst. “A beloved brand gets caught in the crossfire of political controversy, and before you know it, they’re facing boycotts from both sides of the aisle. Primanti Bros. might have to do more than issue vague statements if they want to survive this.”
As for Walz, he has remained relatively quiet about the allegations. When asked about his supposed financial interest in Primanti Bros. during a press conference, the governor shrugged off the question with a laugh.
“I love a good sandwich as much as the next guy, but no, I don’t have any secret investments in Primanti Bros.,” Walz said. “This is just another wild conspiracy theory from people who are desperate to distract from the real issues.”
However, for conspiracy theorists, Walz’s denial only adds fuel to the fire. “Of course he’s going to deny it,” said one user on Reddit’s infamous r/conspiracy forum. “That’s exactly what someone with a secret stake in a sandwich empire would do.”
Despite Primanti Bros.’s attempts at damage control, conservative pundits and activists have continued to call for a boycott of the sandwich chain. Social media has been flooded with hashtags like #BoycottPrimanti, with angry customers posting videos of themselves throwing away their Primanti Bros. sandwiches in protest.
Jon Voight, who had previously rejected a $100 million sponsorship deal with Primanti Bros. over its “woke agenda,” took to Twitter once again to express his disappointment. “First, they offer me money to sell out my values, now we find out they’re in bed with Tim Walz? This is why I said no. They’ve lost their way,” Voight tweeted.
Even Fox News got in on the action, airing a segment titled, “The Sandwich Scandal: How Tim Walz and the Left are Controlling Your Lunch.”
Whether Tim Walz has a financial interest in Primanti Bros. or not, the damage has been done. The once beloved sandwich shop is now at the center of a political circus, and Walz’s name has been dragged into a controversy that’s equal parts absurd and hilarious.
For Primanti Bros., the future is uncertain. Can they weather the storm of boycotts and political backlash? Or will this be the end of their 90-year legacy as Pittsburgh’s most famous sandwich spot?
As for Tim Walz, whether or not he has any financial ties to the chain, one thing is clear: in today’s America, even sandwiches aren’t safe from politics.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s Not true.
This Story Was Contributed By Hawaii For President Trump’s Third Term
