Alex Bruno
After weathering cataclysmic hurricanes, devastating forest fires, and countless celebrity TikTok dance-offs, humanity met a surprising end on June 21, 2023. At least, that’s according to eco-warrior, time-traveler, and newly minted Simulation Overlord, Greta Thunberg.
In a shocking revelation, the teenage Swedish activist took to her Twitter, saying, “The Earth was destroyed yesterday. This is a simulation. #ClimateChangeIsReal #AndSoAreSimulations.”
Yes, that’s right folks. While you were busy arguing about the perfect summer barbecue playlist, you actually didn’t survive the day. Welcome to the new reality. It’s like The Matrix, but with more polar bears and reusable shopping bags.
Initially, most brushed off Thunberg’s claim as the ramblings of a stressed-out activist in dire need of a spa day. However, our collective bewilderment began to morph into mild panic when we realized that, for some reason, our morning coffees started tasting like battery acid and our cats wouldn’t stop speaking in French.
Could Thunberg, the world’s youngest and most serious-minded harbinger of doom, be onto something? Have we indeed entered a post-apocalyptic simulation so advanced that it perfectly mimics our pre-apocalyptic lives, sans the convincing flavor of coffee and monolingual pets?
Ironically, some would argue that this simulated reality might just be a vast improvement. Famed tech entrepreneur Elon Musk rejoiced, tweeting, “Finally, a simulation I didn’t create! #LongLiveTheMatrix #CanIMeetKeanu?”
In contrast, the majority of the population expressed a level of confusion usually reserved for trying to remember the name of that one actor—you know, the one with the face, who was in that movie we watched last year? Yeah, him.
Adding fuel to this uncanny bonfire, Thunberg released a comprehensive 97-slide PowerPoint presentation to prove her point. Highlights included a collection of before and after pictures of the planet. The former showed the Earth as a vibrant, blue orb brimming with life, and the latter depicted it as a smoky barbecue grill with a “Sorry, we’re closed!” sign. She also included graphs comparing human CO2 emissions to the increasing tastelessness of coffee. Alarming stuff.
Curiously, Thunberg’s revelation seems to have sparked a surge in climate action initiatives. Activists around the globe, or what’s left of it, are using the tagline, “Let’s save the simulation” to garner support for their causes. Even the most climate-skeptical are rallying behind the idea, probably just happy to be part of a global conspiracy that doesn’t involve 5G towers or chemtrails for once.
As if this wasn’t enough, a group of overly enthusiastic philosophers and scientists came forward, claiming they’d known this all along and were simply waiting for the rest of us to catch up. They’d apparently been having secret tea parties to discuss the nature of reality and, quite rudely, didn’t invite the rest of us.
Adding a touch of glamour to the whole catastrophe, Oscar-winning actor Leonardo DiCaprio, known for his environmental activism, has reportedly been spotted wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with, “I survived the end of the world, and all I got was this lousy simulation.” It’s already a hot commodity on Etsy.
The simulation claim has left us with more questions than answers. Is climate change real in the simulation? Can we fix the coffee situation? More importantly, can someone teach our cats to speak English again?
For now, all we can do is adjust to our newfound reality and figure out the best way to recycle in a virtual world. The Internet is abuzz with “How to survive in a simulation for dummies” guides and threads on “Do we still have to pay taxes?”
Some enterprising individuals are attempting to monetize our existential crisis by offering digital climate change survival kits. The kits reportedly contain an e-book on surviving in a simulation, a digital map to the nearest virtual Starbucks, and, for some reason, a pixelated rendition of the Mona Lisa.
Others are less concerned with our existential quandary and more upset about their ruined vacation plans. A particularly irate individual tweeted, “Was planning a trip to Bora Bora. Now I have to settle for Virtual Bora Bora. #EndoftheWorldProblems.”
Meanwhile, climate scientists, having experienced a collective existential crisis, are now exploring new career paths. “If it’s a simulation, can we just, like, recode the climate?” mused one ex-climatologist, now a burgeoning coder on Reddit.
Thunberg, maintaining her steadfast resolve, continues to encourage us all to play our part in “saving the simulation.” It’s a catchy phrase, but some critics have pointed out that it’s an easy stance to take when you’ve already been crowned the Simulation Overlord.
As we grapple with the tasteless coffee, bilingual cats, and an existence that’s more Matrix than we’d ever imagined, we have to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Greta’s dramatic reveal was an elaborate ruse to drive us towards more serious climate action.
And if that’s the case, well played, Thunberg, well played.
Either way, here we are, floating in this digital soup, trying to come to terms with our untimely demise and rebirth into an uncertain future. Perhaps, in this newfound reality, we can finally find a way to live more harmoniously with our environment, simulated or not.
So remember to recycle, reduce, reuse, and re-code, because in this brave new world, it seems like the only limit to our potential is the capacity of our coding skills and the willingness to accept that our cats may prefer French. And frankly, given the choice, wouldn’t you?
