In an unprecedented downfall of epic proportions, Pittsburgh’s beloved sandwich chain, Primanti Bros., has lost a staggering $50 million overnight following a widespread boycott ignited by their refusal to serve Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. Vance. What was once a regional institution known for its famous sandwiches stuffed with fries and coleslaw has now found itself in the eye of a political storm—and the fallout has been catastrophic.
The story began like any other campaign stop: J.D. Vance, eager to rally support ahead of the election, made his way to Primanti Bros.’ North Versailles location, hoping to meet voters, take some photos, and enjoy one of the chain’s legendary sandwiches. What he didn’t expect was to be turned away at the door by a manager who bluntly told him, “This isn’t a campaign stop, and J.D.’s not allowed in here.”
What might have ended with a shrug and a detour to another restaurant quickly escalated into a political and public relations nightmare for Primanti Bros. Videos of the incident spread like wildfire across social media, sparking outrage among conservatives and Trump supporters. The hashtag #BoycottPrimanti began trending within hours, and soon enough, the company found itself at the center of a nationwide boycott.
What made matters worse was the revelation that the very same Primanti Bros. location had hosted a private event for Vice President Kamala Harris just weeks earlier, going so far as to clear out regular patrons to accommodate her visit. The optics couldn’t have been worse, and the internet mob pounced.
While social media boycotts are nothing new, the speed and intensity of this one caught Primanti Bros. completely off guard. The result? A $50 million loss—overnight. To say the chain was blindsided would be an understatement.
The financial hit came from all sides. Loyal customers, many of whom had been regulars for years, suddenly vanished. Entire locations went from bustling lunch crowds to deserted dining rooms as the boycott spread. By the end of the day, dozens of Primanti Bros. locations across the country reported dismal sales, with some locations reporting a 90% drop in foot traffic.
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said one shell-shocked manager. “It’s like someone flipped a switch, and suddenly, no one’s coming in. We went from packed lines to crickets in a matter of hours.”
But it wasn’t just the loss of customers that hurt the chain. Sponsors, partners, and suppliers quickly jumped ship as well, eager to distance themselves from the controversy.
The first to go was French Fry Fanatics, the brand that had been providing Primanti Bros. with their signature crispy fries for over a decade. In a statement released the morning after the boycott began, French Fry Fanatics announced, “We regret to inform our customers and partners that we are ending our relationship with Primanti Bros. effective immediately. We cannot support any establishment that becomes a political lightning rod, and we hope to move forward with brands that better reflect our values.”
Next to bail was Pennsylvania’s own Iron City Beer, a staple in Primanti Bros. locations for years. Known for its strong ties to the Pittsburgh community, Iron City couldn’t risk the negative press and quickly severed ties. “We’ve been proud partners with Primanti Bros. for years, but recent events have made it impossible for us to continue this relationship. We must prioritize the interests of our customers and community.”
The final blow came when Heinz, the ketchup kingpin itself, pulled its products from Primanti Bros. locations. “Our focus is on bringing people together over food, not dividing them,” Heinz said in a carefully worded statement. “As such, we will no longer be working with Primanti Bros. at this time.”
While the loss of sponsors stung, the exodus of customers was nothing short of devastating. Primanti Bros., long considered a Pittsburgh institution, suddenly found itself facing the reality of empty restaurants and deserted dining rooms. One location in downtown Pittsburgh, normally packed with tourists and locals alike, reported that it had served only a handful of customers the entire day.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said one server. “We’re usually slammed during lunch, but yesterday, we barely had anyone. It was eerie. People are really serious about this boycott.”
The boycott, largely fueled by Trump supporters and conservatives, seemed to have taken on a life of its own. Many customers who had once considered Primanti Bros. a go-to lunch spot now saw it as a symbol of political bias, and they made their feelings known. Some posted photos of themselves eating at other local sandwich shops, captioned with phrases like “Primanti, who?” and “Taking my business elsewhere.”
Even lifelong fans of the chain admitted that the boycott had given them pause. “I’ve been eating at Primanti Bros. for as long as I can remember, but this whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth,” said one Pittsburgh local. “I’m not saying I’ll never go back, but for now, I’m staying away.”
Desperate to stop the bleeding, Primanti Bros. issued several statements attempting to clarify the situation and smooth things over. “Primanti Bros. has always been a place where everyone is welcome, regardless of political affiliation,” the company said in one statement. “We regret the misunderstanding that occurred with Senator Vance, and we hope to resolve this matter quickly.”
But the damage had already been done. Many saw the statements as too little, too late, with some even accusing the chain of trying to have it both ways. “You can’t alienate half your customer base and then pretend like nothing happened,” said one disgruntled former customer. “People aren’t stupid. They know when they’re being pandered to.”
In an attempt to win back patrons, Primanti Bros. even offered free sandwiches for a day at several locations. Unfortunately, the promotion fell flat, with only a small number of customers taking advantage of the offer. One employee at a suburban location noted, “We had more sandwiches than people. It’s sad to see.”
With $50 million down the drain and a massive public relations crisis on their hands, the future of Primanti Bros. looks uncertain. While the chain has long been a staple of Pittsburgh’s food scene, some experts believe the brand may never fully recover from the backlash. Rumors of potential store closures and layoffs have already begun to circulate, with insiders suggesting that the company may need to significantly downsize to stay afloat.
“There’s no easy way out of this,” said one industry analyst. “Primanti Bros. is going to have to work hard to win back customers, and that could take years—if it happens at all.”
As for the boycott, it shows no signs of slowing down. Trump supporters continue to rally against the chain on social media, with some even calling for a permanent boycott. For now, Primanti Bros. remains in damage control mode, but it’s clear that their iconic sandwiches may not be enough to fix the mess they’ve found themselves in.
The Primanti Bros. saga serves as yet another example of the precarious balance between business and politics. What started as a simple sandwich shop has now become a battleground for political ideologies, with millions of dollars—and countless sandwiches—caught in the crossfire.
As Primanti Bros. faces an uncertain future, one thing is clear: in today’s world, no business is safe from the wrath of a politically charged boycott. Whether the chain can rise from the ashes of this $50 million disaster remains to be seen, but one thing’s for sure—they’re going to need a lot more than fries and coleslaw to fix this mess.
NOTE: This is Satire, It’s Not True.