Alex Bruno
In a move that left even the Zamboni driver slack-jawed, the National Hockey League (NHL) announced this week that they would discontinue their use of “pride outfits,” confessing that they felt they looked a little… ridiculous. You could almost hear the muffled giggles of players across the country, decked out in their color-coordinated, regular uniforms as the news spread.
“We tried to embrace the ‘woke culture,’ but the honest truth is, we just look silly,” said an unnamed NHL official, whose statement was almost drowned out by a chorus of snorts and guffaws. “Have you seen hockey players in rainbow-colored outfits? It’s like watching a grizzly bear try to fit into a tutu.”
This unexpected epiphany came after the NHL had fully committed to embracing ‘wokeness.’ They had seemingly forgotten the sport’s primary focus: players skidding on a sheet of ice, trying to drive a rubber puck into a net. Instead, they were hell-bent on transforming the NHL into a fashion runway with their quirky ‘pride outfits.’
Unsurprisingly, this distracted from the primary goal (pun intended). One player, who preferred to remain anonymous, grumbled, “One moment, I’m taking a slap shot, the next, I’m blinded by my teammate’s technicolor dreamcoat. It’s like skating through a rainbow.”
The turning point, however, was the most recent game where the visiting team was so distracted by the home team’s flamboyant ‘pride outfits,’ that they ended up scoring in their own goal. Twice. That was when even the most patient fans threw their hands up and shouted, “Enough!”
While the aim was to support the LGBTQ+ community, some fans felt the NHL had missed the mark. One fan commented, “It’s great they want to support diversity, but isn’t hockey about, you know, playing hockey? Maybe they should focus on that instead of turning the rink into a Pride parade.”
The news has been met with widespread approval from players and fans alike. The response on social media was equally swift. One Tweet read: “NHL: no more pride outfits, we look stupid. Fans: Duh, we’ve been saying that for weeks!”
However, the best response came from an unlikely source – hockey moms. They’ve been chuckling on the sidelines, watching their burly sons skate around in rainbow-striped jerseys. One mother quipped, “Well, at least I won’t have to worry about my washing machine throwing a fit trying to deal with those tie-dye nightmares anymore.”
In retrospect, the NHL’s experiment with ‘wokeness’ ended up turning the league into a punchline, albeit a fashionable one. The players can now heave a sigh of relief, knowing that they can hang up their ‘pride outfits’ and go back to their traditional uniforms. After all, they’re hockey players, not fashion models.
As for the future of the NHL? The league’s new motto might be: “Keeping our eyes on the puck, not the catwalk.” Meanwhile, somewhere in the distance, a tie-dye jersey flutters in the wind, marking the end of an era. For now, it seems, the NHL is back to the good old hockey we all know and love – just a bunch of guys on skates, chasing after a puck, and definitely looking less silly.
In a series of additional, candid interviews, more players opened up about their experiences with the now defunct pride outfits. One goalie admitted, “I loved the support for diversity, but the flashy colors were a nightmare. You try blocking a black puck flying at you at 100 mph against a rainbow-colored background!”
Further, the officials also agreed. While they were all for supporting diversity, they didn’t sign up to look like a pack of Skittles. “We didn’t even need to make any decisions,” said one referee, reminiscing about the distracting attire. “Players were too busy laughing at each other or shielding their eyes to make any serious fouls.”
Coaches chimed in as well, one sharing, “Team meetings felt like a gathering at a Pride Parade. Trying to give a serious pep talk to a bunch of guys looking like a unicorn threw up on them was a real challenge.”
Fans too breathed a sigh of relief. “As much as we were amused, the game was becoming a clown show,” remarked one. “We come to watch great goals and cheer for our team, not to see a color blast on ice. It felt like watching a never-ending magic eye puzzle.”
The NHL’s decision has drawn attention to a larger conversation surrounding ‘wokeness’ and its place in sports. The league’s ill-fated fashion experiment underscores that sports, while a great platform for advocacy, should not lose focus on the game itself. Balancing support for social causes without turning into a meme is a tightrope that organizations must tread carefully.
In the aftermath, it’s been a sobering reminder that as much as we embrace change, not all experiments yield the desired results. In the NHL’s case, it was a vivid (and we mean vivid!) lesson that the road to wokeness is filled with pratfalls and tie-dye fiascos.
However, as much as the NHL’s foray into wokeness was a stumbling block, it served a purpose. It sparked conversations, made us laugh, and reminded us of the importance of staying focused on the game. After all, at the end of the day, it’s the thrill of the chase, the cheer of the crowd, and the camaraderie among players that defines hockey. And that’s something no rainbow-colored outfit can overshadow.
In closing, one player sums it up perfectly, “Sure, we looked like a traveling circus on ice, but at least we’ve come out of it with a good laugh and a story to tell. Now, can someone please pass me my old jersey? I’ve had enough of rainbows to last a lifetime!”
