Alex Bruno
In a move that has left maritime enthusiasts and hip-hop fans alike scratching their heads, Kanye West and his wife, Bianca Censori, have reportedly been banned from “every boat in the world” following their recent Venetian escapade. Yes, you read that right. Every. Single. Boat.
The International Boat Association (IBA), a previously unknown organization that apparently has the power to ban anyone from every boat on the planet, convened an emergency meeting last Tuesday. Their agenda? To address the “unprecedented nautical naughtiness” displayed by the couple.
“We’ve had pirates, sea monsters, and even that one time Jack Sparrow stole a ship, but this? This is where we draw the line,” declared Admiral Archibald P. Sternwave, the self-proclaimed president of the IBA.
The decision was unanimous. From the humblest canoe in Canada to the most luxurious yacht in Monaco, the Wests are not welcome. Even inflatable pool toys are off-limits, just to be safe. But how will this ban be enforced? Sternwave has a plan. “We’ve hired a team of elite seagulls trained in the art of surveillance. They’ll be watching. Always watching.”
The couple’s Venetian misadventure, which involved a rather cheeky display on a water taxi, has led to a tidal wave of reactions. Memes have flooded the internet, with one particularly popular one showing Kanye and Bianca on the ill-fated Titanic with the caption, “Even here? Especially here.”
Tourists in Venice were quick to capitalize on the incident. Street vendors now offer “Kanye-proof” boat blinds, while gondoliers serenade passengers with a new tune, “Row, Row, Row Your Boat, Just Not with Kanye.”
The world of hip-hop has also weighed in. Rapper Lil Nautical quipped, “Guess Kanye’s next album will be ‘Landlocked’.” Meanwhile, DJ Seaweed dropped a new track, “Boatless in Venice,” which has already topped the charts.
Even the animal kingdom has joined the fray. Dolphins, known for their playful nature, have been spotted sporting “Kanye Can’t Play Here” signs around their necks. And in a show of solidarity, a group of whales near Australia formed an impressive “No Kanye” formation, visible from space.
But not everyone is on board with the ban. Environmentalists argue that keeping Kanye off boats might lead to an increase in private jet usage, further contributing to global warming. “We need Kanye on boats, for the planet!” exclaimed one passionate activist.
Others see a business opportunity. Richard Branson, ever the entrepreneur, has hinted at launching “Kanye Cruises,” a boat service exclusively for the Wests. “If the world says no, Branson says yo!” he tweeted.
As for Kanye and Bianca? They seem unfazed. Sources close to the couple suggest they’re considering alternative modes of water transport. “Kanye’s been looking into hovercrafts,” whispered an insider. “And Bianca’s keen on submarines. They might be down, but they’re not out.”
In a recent tweet, Kanye hinted at his next venture: “Can’t stop the wave. #UnderwaterBeats coming soon.” Bianca, on the other hand, posted a picture of a mermaid with the caption, “Next chapter?” While the world waits to see how this saga unfolds, one thing is clear: when it comes to making a splash, nobody does it quite like Kanye West.
In the meantime, boat owners worldwide can rest easy, knowing their vessels are safe from any unexpected hip-hop hijinks. And as for the rest of us? We’ll be watching, popcorn in hand, as the greatest maritime tale of our time continues to unfold.
