Alex Bruno
In a turn of events that could only happen in today’s media-driven chaos, ABC-branded stores across the United States have taken extreme measures to distance themselves from ABC News following the aftermath of a polarizing presidential debate. From liquor stores to appliance outlets, businesses carrying the ABC name have been forced to display signs in big, bold letters declaring, “No Affiliation With ABC Network”—all to clear up a wave of confusion sweeping the nation.
The move comes after ABC News aired the fiery 2024 presidential debate between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris. The debate, as expected, was filled with jabs, accusations, and fact-checking that left the internet buzzing and both political sides crying foul. However, it wasn’t just ABC News that got caught in the crossfire. Apparently, anything with the letters “ABC” was fair game for backlash—including stores that had absolutely no connection to the network or the debate.
The first to feel the heat was ABC Fine Wine & Spirits, a Florida-based chain of liquor stores that quickly found itself on the receiving end of misplaced rage. Store managers started receiving angry phone calls almost immediately after the debate aired. But instead of customers asking about whiskey, they were demanding to know why the store had chosen to “fact-check” Donald Trump mid-debate.
“It was surreal,” said Greg Nelson, a manager at ABC Fine Wine & Spirits in Tampa. “One minute we’re selling vodka, and the next, people are accusing us of being part of the ‘mainstream media conspiracy.’ I had to explain, over and over, ‘We sell alcohol, not opinions.’”
The confusion became so widespread that ABC Fine Wine & Spirits took action. Every store put up signage making their stance clear: “We are not affiliated with ABC News or the debate. We just sell booze.”
Nelson added, “Honestly, we haven’t seen this kind of confusion since that one time people thought ‘Fine Wine & Spirits’ was a wine-tasting political fundraiser. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.”
It wasn’t just liquor stores that found themselves in the political crosshairs. ABC Warehouse, a chain of electronics and appliance stores in the Midwest, also faced the wrath of disgruntled Americans who somehow mistook their dishwashers for debate moderators.
“We started getting Yelp reviews accusing us of ‘unfairly fact-checking’ Trump,” said Cynthia Harper, a regional manager for ABC Warehouse. “People were threatening to boycott our stores, and I’m sitting here thinking, ‘We sell refrigerators. We have no idea what Kamala Harris even said.’”
In response, ABC Warehouse quickly launched a public relations campaign to distance themselves from the controversy. They printed out large posters for every storefront, reading: “We Sell Appliances, Not Politics. No Affiliation With ABC News.”
The new marketing slogan even made its way online, where the company ran ads featuring the tagline: “Our only bias is toward great appliances.” While it may not be the catchiest slogan ever, Harper said it has worked in quelling some of the confusion.
The real culprit behind this entire mess? Social media, of course. As soon as the debate concluded, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram were flooded with memes, tweets, and rants. Users lumped every ABC entity together, falsely assuming they were all part of the same organization.
One viral tweet read, “Boycott ALL ABC stores! Whether it’s booze, washers, or fake news—they’re all in on it!” The tweet quickly garnered thousands of likes and retweets, spreading misinformation like wildfire.
“That tweet caused so much trouble,” said Nelson. “We had people walking into the store demanding to know why we fact-checked a politician. I had to tell them, ‘Sir, the only thing we’re fact-checking is whether you’re old enough to buy this bottle of rum.’”
Over at ABC Warehouse, the situation was no better. “People were calling us, thinking we were part of some media cabal,” Harper recalled. “One guy asked if we were the ones who cut off Trump’s microphone. I told him, ‘No, we sell microwaves.’”
ABC Supply Co. Gets Dragged Into the Mess: “We Just Sell Roofing Materials”
Even businesses with zero connection to the media or retail sectors couldn’t escape the confusion. ABC Supply Co., a wholesale distributor of roofing materials, found itself caught in the mix. Their customer service lines were flooded with calls from individuals who had somehow convinced themselves that the company was involved in the debate controversy.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Jake Williams, a spokesperson for ABC Supply Co. “People were calling us, angry about some fact-checking dispute, and I had to explain that we literally just sell shingles and roofing supplies. I’m not even sure our employees watched the debate.”
Williams said that the company quickly took to social media to clear up the confusion, posting, “We’re not affiliated with ABC News. Our focus is on your roof, not your vote.”
Meanwhile, ABC News, the actual network at the center of the controversy, was forced to do its own damage control. Following the debate, both Trump and Harris supporters accused the moderators, David Muir and Linsey Davis, of bias. Trump’s camp decried the fact-checking as politically motivated, while Harris’s supporters said the moderators didn’t push back hard enough.
ABC News issued a statement to clarify its role, but it did little to calm the storm. “We are committed to journalistic integrity,” the statement read, “and we encourage viewers to focus on the issues at hand rather than conflating our network with unrelated businesses that just happen to share the same name.”
Unfortunately, the statement did little to stop the wave of confusion.
In the wake of this unexpected branding nightmare, ABC-branded businesses across the country are trying to move forward. Some have taken the opportunity to launch tongue-in-cheek marketing campaigns.
ABC Fine Wine & Spirits now runs a special promotion: “Feeling Debated Out? Get 20% Off Any Wine.” ABC Warehouse has doubled down on their appliance-based humor with slogans like, “Debates May Heat Up, But Our Prices Stay Cool.”
For now, the signs remain in place, making it abundantly clear that these businesses have no affiliation with the media network. But as the political season ramps up, store managers are bracing for more confusion.
“I thought 2020 was crazy, but this year has taken it to a whole new level,” said Nelson. “Here’s hoping people realize we’re just here to sell liquor, not headlines.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true.
