In a move that has shocked academics, delighted conservatives, and thoroughly confused sculptors, the State of Texas announced this week that all public college campuses will be required to erect statues of late conservative commentator Charlie Kirk.
Governor Greg Abbott, flanked by bronze artists and members of Turning Point USA, unveiled the plan during a press conference in Austin, describing Kirk as “the voice of a generation, the hero Texas never asked for but is definitely getting.”
The initiative, dubbed the Charlie Kirk Campus Freedom Project, mandates that by the end of 2026 every college campus in Texas must feature a statue of Kirk standing at least 12 feet tall. The law specifies that each statue must face east — “toward the rising sun of liberty” — and be installed in the most visible part of campus, preferably near the student union or the library.
“This is about inspiration,” Abbott said. “Students should see Charlie Kirk every morning as they trudge to class, and remember that freedom isn’t free — but bronze sure is expensive.”
Artists commissioned for the project say they were given strict design guidelines. Each statue must depict Kirk pointing upward with one hand and holding a pocket Constitution in the other. His expression should be, according to the official memo, “half stern, half smug.”
Some designs also include optional add-ons: a bald eagle perched on his shoulder, a cowboy hat, or an oversized microphone. One prototype in Houston even features Kirk riding a longhorn steer.
Critics argue the statues risk becoming “bronze scarecrows” for liberal students, but supporters insist they’ll serve as daily reminders of Texas values.
The announcement sent shockwaves across Texas colleges.
At the University of Texas at Austin, students gathered on the quad to protest, chanting: “No statues, no smug!” One sophomore declared: “I came here to study biology, not to salute Charlie Kirk every time I get coffee.”
Meanwhile, Texas A&M students celebrated the decision, holding a barbecue fundraiser to “bronze Charlie faster.” One Aggie senior told reporters: “We already have a statue for our mascot dog. It’s only fair to add one for America’s mascot patriot.”
Faculty across the state voiced concerns that the statues might erode academic freedom.
A history professor at Rice University quipped: “It’s not every day you teach about civil rights while a bronze Charlie Kirk stares through your office window.”
Some professors worry the statues will intimidate students during class debates. “Imagine trying to argue for universal healthcare while Charlie Kirk’s bronze finger is literally pointing at you,” one said.
The statues won’t come cheap. State officials estimate the initiative will cost $275 million, funded by reallocating money from the Higher Education Innovation Grant.
“We had to make sacrifices,” Abbott admitted. “We won’t be hiring as many new professors, and library hours may be reduced. But students will get something more valuable than books: daily inspiration from a bronze patriot.”
Corporate sponsors are also chipping in. Chick-fil-A pledged $10 million to ensure statues come with free Wi-Fi hotspots, while Buc-ee’s promised to provide polishing services for life.
The news quickly spread beyond Texas, sparking debate across the country.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis congratulated Abbott and hinted at a similar plan: “We’re already looking at statues of Ben Shapiro outside dorms. Competition is healthy.”
Democrats mocked the initiative. Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted: “Texas can afford statues but not affordable healthcare. Maybe the statues can hand out insulin.”
Even Elon Musk weighed in, promising to donate bronze sourced from recycled Tesla parts. “Charlie loved free speech, and nothing says free speech like a statue that can’t talk back,” Musk wrote on X.
The Kirk family released a statement praising Texas for “cementing Charlie’s legacy in bronze and in the hearts of young Americans.” They added that Kirk always dreamed of being on campus permanently, though probably not in this exact form.
Rumors suggest the family may open a Charlie Kirk Statue Museum to showcase the various designs, from minimalist busts to one surreal version where Kirk holds a giant Chick-fil-A sandwich like the torch of liberty.
Colleges are already adjusting to the upcoming installations. Orientation programs for freshmen now include a “Statue Etiquette” workshop, instructing students not to graffiti the bronze or use Kirk’s finger as a coat hook.
At Texas Tech, the student government voted to replace the campus fountain with a statue surrounded by “freedom flames” that will burn 24/7.
And at Baylor University, the marching band is composing a new fight song titled “Stand Tall, Charlie.”
Not everyone is on board. Civil liberties groups have called the plan “state-sponsored hero worship.”
“This isn’t about education,” one critic argued. “It’s about turning every campus into a Turning Point convention. Next thing you know, the statues will start giving lectures.”
Satirical memes exploded online, depicting Kirk statues in ridiculous scenarios — from holding up traffic lights in Dallas to replacing the Alamo.
While many dismiss the initiative as political theater, sociologists say it reflects a larger trend of states competing to enshrine cultural icons in public life.
“Statues used to be reserved for generals, civil rights leaders, or at least dead presidents,” said one researcher. “Now we’re fast-tracking pundits. It’s not about history anymore — it’s about headlines.”
As the press conference ended, Abbott delivered one final line:
“Charlie Kirk is not just a man. He is a symbol — a symbol of freedom, of Texas grit, and of never losing a debate in your own podcast studio. That’s why his bronze face will watch over generations to come.”
And with that, Texas confirmed what many already suspected: higher education may be struggling, but bronze heroism is alive and well.
Starting next year, every Texan student rushing late to class will have one more obstacle to navigate — a towering Charlie Kirk staring silently across campus, reminding them that in Texas, even education comes with a side of culture war.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.