Across America’s red states this week, lawmakers wasted no time converting grief into legislation. Just days after conservative commentator Charlie Kirk’s shocking assassination, governors and school boards announced that every public school from kindergarten to college will now host a Turning Point USA chapter.
Supporters call it “the most patriotic educational reform since recess,” while critics are already drafting angry TikToks. Either way, it marks a new chapter in American schooling — one in which Charlie Kirk is less a political figure and more a required subject.
According to the official mandate, all students will now take part in “Turning Point Hour” every morning, sandwiched between algebra and lunch. Activities include: Saluting a wall-sized mural of Charlie Kirk’s head.
Watching a short clip of him explaining why socialism is “a disease worse than pineapple on pizza.” Writing reflections in their Kirk Journals, which will be graded not for grammar, but for patriotism.
“We’ve had reading, writing, and arithmetic for too long,” said Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “It’s time for something more important: rhetoric.”
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis went further, declaring that AP Government would now simply be renamed “AP Charlie.”
The newly unveiled “Kirk Curriculum” aims to blend traditional learning with what officials are calling “Real America 101.” In math, students will learn fractions by dividing tax cuts between billionaires.
In English, they’ll diagram sentences from Kirk’s Twitter feed. In science, they’ll study climate change under the lab unit titled “Hoaxology.”
In history, George Washington will be portrayed as the original Turning Point chapter leader. “It’s holistic,” explained one Oklahoma superintendent. “Kids leave knowing less about mitochondria, sure, but way more about Milton Friedman.”
To many conservatives, the assassination of Kirk was more than a loss — it was a call to arms (figuratively, mostly). The creation of thousands of new Turning Point USA clubs is seen as the only fitting tribute.
“Charlie lived for free speech, and nothing says free speech like mandatory daily meetings in his honor,” said Senator Ted Cruz, holding back a suspiciously well-timed tear.
Meanwhile, schools are being outfitted with “Kirk Corners” — lounges where students can practice debating liberal strawmen, recharge on Red Bull, and buy discounted merch like “Big Gov Sucks” hoodies.
The rollout has already begun in several states, with mixed reactions from students.
At a high school in Mississippi, the football team’s new pre-game chant is, “Who’s our guy? Kirk! Kirk! Kirk!” The mascot costume has also been updated: instead of a bulldog, the school now proudly cheers for “The Free Marketeers.”
In Texas, prom night has been rebranded as “The Liberty Ball.” Students slow-danced to Toby Keith, while chaperones read aloud from Kirk’s book.
But not everyone’s excited. “I just wanted to join chess club,” said one bewildered freshman. “Now I have to argue against Karl Marx three times a week. I don’t even know who Karl Marx is.”
Naturally, no tribute would be complete without merch.
Already, cafeterias in Alabama are selling “Kirk’s Freedom Fries.” Utah schools are distributing free “We Are Charlie” wristbands, while Kansas has approved a line of Kirk trading cards featuring stats like “Most Owns Per Debate: 12.”
Even the vending machines are changing. Alongside Snickers and Cheetos, students can now purchase “Constitution Energy Bars” — each one comes with a fact about the Federalist Papers printed on the wrapper.
The rollout has sparked predictable political theater. Republican leaders praised the program as “a new birth of freedom.”
“Charlie Kirk fought for ideas,” declared Senator Josh Hawley, “and what better way to honor him than to make those ideas compulsory for teenagers who just wanted to take ceramics?”
Democrats, meanwhile, called it indoctrination. “Public schools are supposed to teach critical thinking, not Kirk TikToks,” complained one California congresswoman.
But Abbott brushed off criticism, saying, “If liberals hate it, that means it’s good.”
Supporters are already dreaming bigger. If successful, the plan could expand beyond red states. Ideas currently on the table include:
Turning Point USA summer camps with rifle training, capitalism karaoke, and trust falls performed while quoting Ronald Reagan. Kirk holograms installed in every classroom to “fact-check” teachers in real time.
A national holiday, “Charlie Kirk Day,” where children get off school but must spend the morning writing a thank-you note to free markets. One leaked proposal even suggested replacing the SATs with a single question: “Would you like more government or less?”
The assassination of Charlie Kirk may have cut his life short, but in death, his influence has grown exponentially. With every red state school now mandated to host Turning Point USA chapters, America’s students will grow up in an environment where Kirk’s name is as common as recess, report cards, and substitute teachers showing movies.
Whether you see it as indoctrination or inspiration, one thing is clear: Kirk is no longer just a man. He’s a mascot, a curriculum, and possibly the most merchandised political figure since Uncle Sam.
As one Arkansas parent put it at the school board meeting: “My kid doesn’t know how to do long division, but he can explain why the Green New Deal is tyranny. And honestly, isn’t that more useful?”
Because, as the governors said, “Nobody will ever forget him.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.