In the wake of ABC’s shocking suspension of Jimmy Kimmel Live! earlier this week, rumors are swirling that NBC executives are eyeing their own late-night star, Jimmy Fallon, with a nervous twitch in the corner of their eye. According to several anonymous insiders who definitely didn’t just overhear two interns gossiping in the hallway, Fallon’s Tonight Show may be the next to face the chopping block.
The reason? In the words of one alleged NBC board member: “He’s become too much woke. Too much cardigan sweaters, too much emotional ukulele strumming, too much crying when celebrities say something vaguely inspiring. This isn’t comedy, this is therapy in front of a studio audience. We have to draw the line.”
Ever since ABC yanked Jimmy Kimmel off the air for his controversial monologues about Charlie Kirk, network executives across the television landscape have been pacing their offices in sheer panic, wondering who will be the next casualty of the late-night wars. Kimmel’s suspension was supposedly sparked by accusations of “politicizing tragedy,” but what it really did was set a new precedent: if you upset enough people with money, your show vanishes faster than a free donut in the writers’ room.
Now, NBC is facing mounting pressure from certain corners of America to rein in Jimmy Fallon, who has been labeled everything from “corporate karaoke host” to “the human embodiment of a Whole Foods commercial.” While Fallon has traditionally avoided hard politics, his occasional jokes about climate change, mask mandates, and billionaires blasting themselves into space on rockets shaped like questionable anatomy have left conservative viewers fuming.
One critic on X (formerly Twitter, formerly still Twitter) complained: “Jimmy Fallon used to play beer pong with celebrities. Now he’s preaching about recycling and gender inclusivity while holding hands with Taylor Swift. He’s gone full woke, and I didn’t consent to that.”
The loudest complaints appear to center around Fallon’s recurring “Woke Karaoke” segments, where celebrities belt out politically correct versions of classic songs. In one infamous bit, Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba” was rewritten as “Recycle That Plastic.” In another, Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” morphed into “Born in the EPA.”
“I turned on the TV expecting to see celebrities lip-sync to Cher,” said one disgruntled viewer from Ohio. “Instead, I got Lin-Manuel Miranda singing about renewable energy while dressed as a solar panel. Is this still comedy, or a United Nations climate summit? Suspend him!”
NBC, of course, has been here before. Their late-night crown jewel was once The Tonight Show Starring Jay Leno, a man who could tell ten jokes about gas prices in one monologue and call it a night. Fallon’s softer, sillier approach—playing games, giggling uncontrollably, and hugging every guest like he’s their emotional support animal—was supposed to be a safe choice.
But in the current climate, “safe” looks dangerously progressive. NBC insiders fear that if they don’t act soon, Fallon will end up branded as the Greta Thunberg of late night.
“We wanted him to be a golden retriever with a talk show,” one exec confessed. “Instead, he turned into a golden retriever with a Pride flag bandana who lectures us about composting. It’s a slippery slope.”
The evidence presented against Fallon in the imaginary NBC boardroom includes:
Overuse of the Word ‘Empathy.’ One insider noted Fallon said “empathy” nine times in a single week, which they described as “a clear Marxist dog whistle.”
The Billie Eilish Incident. Fallon once stopped a musical game to ask Billie Eilish about mental health awareness. This apparently angered viewers who “just wanted her to sing like a haunted wood elf without all the feelings.”
The Climate Change Dance-Off. A notorious episode featured Fallon, Ariana Grande, and Leonardo DiCaprio performing a choreographed dance routine titled “The Ice Caps Are Melting (and So Are Our Hearts).” Critics called it “the most woke thing to happen on television since PBS aired Mister Rogers telling kids they were special.”
His Laugh. Some right-wing pundits insist Fallon’s constant giggling is “a coded attempt to feminize American masculinity.”
Fox News wasted no time piling on. Tucker Carlson (currently hosting Tucker Unleashed on Rumble, broadcast live from a taxidermy warehouse) declared: “Jimmy Fallon is an agent of the woke mind virus. First it was games with celebrities. Then it was climate songs. Tomorrow? Drag queens teaching our children how to play charades. This is how empires collapse.”
Meanwhile, podcaster Joe Rogan offered a more nuanced take: “Fallon’s not woke, he’s just soft. If you locked him in a room with elk meat and DMT, he’d probably be fine.”
Reports suggest NBC is already auditioning potential replacements in case Fallon does get suspended. Among the frontrunners:
Kid Rock: Promises to “bring back late-night comedy with beer, trucks, and women who don’t complain.”
Elon Musk: Plans a nightly show called “Truth O’Clock” featuring crypto giveaways and flamethrower demonstrations.
AI Jay Leno: A holographic version of Leno who only tells jokes about gas prices, forever.
Meanwhile, Fallon himself remains unbothered, at least publicly. In a recent segment, he brushed off the rumors with a smile, strummed a guitar, and sang a parody of “Don’t Stop Believin’” called “Don’t Stop Recycling.”
Satire aside, what’s happening to late-night TV feels eerily like a cultural purge. Kimmel got suspended for being “too political,” and now Fallon is accused of being “too woke.” If networks keep this up, Americans may soon be left with nothing but reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos—which, given the state of political discourse, might be the sanest programming left.
As one NBC intern whispered while nervously sipping an oat-milk latte: “At this rate, the only safe late-night host will be a sock puppet that says goodnight and goes home.”
For now, Fallon still holds his seat behind The Tonight Show desk, grinning like the nation’s most eager camp counselor. But the knives are out, the critics are circling, and the question looms large: will NBC really suspend America’s giggling golden retriever for being too woke?
If they do, don’t be surprised when his replacement is a flamethrower-wielding Elon Musk hologram. After all, this is 2025. Nothing’s off the table.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.