In a landmark decision that has Capitol Hill clutching receipts and decanters, a federal judge has granted DOGE — the Department of Government Efficiency — the authority to audit every member of Congress. The first to face the fiscal spotlight? Speaker Emeritus Nancy Pelosi and her famously high-flying expense habits.
“There’s no reason why an agency designated to increase efficiency should be denied access to any federal entity with a budget,” wrote Judge Meredith T. Cranston of the 15th Circuit Court, in a ruling now being hailed by watchdogs — and feared by wine merchants — across the country.
The court’s decision empowers DOGE to investigate the inner financial workings of Congress, starting with Pelosi’s reported affinity for premium alcohol, private jets, and allegedly “emergency crystal stemware delivery via drone.”
Once considered a forgotten bureaucracy buried in red tape and lukewarm government coffee, DOGE has now reemerged as a potentially unstoppable accountability machine. Originally chartered in the 1970s to root out wasteful spending, the agency spent decades collecting dust — until now.
“This is our moment,” declared DOGE Director Carl Beaverton, adjusting his government-issued calculator holster. “We’re kicking in the mahogany doors and asking why you needed $3,500 worth of ‘therapeutic wall art’ on a congressional office invoice.”
At the center of the agency’s first audit is Nancy Pelosi, whose spending habits have long drawn scrutiny — and envy — from the vineyard industry. Leaked DOGE documents suggest she billed taxpayers for:
$6,800 in champagne labeled as “constituent morale support,”
$33,000 in charter flights categorized under “urgent diplomacy,”
And $11,200 on what her office reportedly calls “necessary mood lighting.”
When approached at her summer estate (located somewhere between Tuscany and a Whole Foods), Pelosi responded, “I will cooperate fully. Just not before brunch.”
The ruling has sent shockwaves through both chambers of Congress, where lawmakers are scrambling to “sanitize” their office supply purchase histories. One intern was reportedly seen running down a Senate hallway with a shredder labeled “DO NOT AUDIT.”
Senator Bernie Sanders voiced cautious support: “If she’s buying $900 cabernets, I want in — but I also want to know who paid for it.”
Across the aisle, Senator Josh Hawley declared, “This is why I only drink American bourbon from a mason jar. Try auditing that.”
Following Pelosi, DOGE plans to expand its audits to include members with suspicious expense ratios — such as those who’ve submitted more than five receipts per week labeled simply as “wellness,” or anyone whose office furniture was imported from Rome.
A newly declassified “Maximum Fiscal Suspicion Index” (MFSI) includes lawmakers who:
Expense more on coffee than on staff salaries,
Have ever approved a “spa day strategy session,”
Or ordered ergonomic gold chairs “for posture and prestige.”
“This isn’t a witch hunt,” said Director Beaverton. “It’s more like a luxury leather briefcase hunt. We’re following the receipts — wherever they lead.”
Although Pelosi has not been accused of criminal wrongdoing, public pressure is mounting. Protesters outside her office held signs reading, “Where’s the Wine Cellar Ledger?” and “I Brought Tupperware — Show Me the Cheese Board.”
Pelosi’s office released a statement saying: “The Speaker Emeritus maintains that all expenditures were conducted within the bounds of high fashion and high governance.”
Meanwhile, DOGE has requested emergency funding for more audit staff, thermal receipt scanners, and something called “Senate-grade espresso surveillance.”
Judge Cranston’s ruling, which cites “a clear and present danger of budgetary black holes,” sets a new precedent for transparency — and potentially paves the way for the first federal subpoena of a mini-fridge.
As Director Beaverton summed it up: “If you’re on the taxpayers’ tab, we’re flipping through the pages — and probably highlighting them.”