In a financial nosedive that Wall Street analysts are already calling “the latte heard ’round the world,” late-night host Jimmy Kimmel reportedly lost $30 million in endorsements overnight after Starbucks announced it was severing ties with him following remarks he made about the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk.
The decision stunned Hollywood, where comedians usually only lose sponsors for things like punching writers, sending weird DMs, or starring in movies with Kevin James. But for Kimmel, it was a few choice jokes at Kirk’s expense that triggered a corporate chain reaction, sending his net worth tumbling faster than a Frappuccino in the hands of a distracted barista.
The controversy began last week when Kimmel, during his monologue, quipped: “Charlie Kirk always looked like a thumb that got invited to a Turning Point conference. Now he’s just… a thumbprint.”
The joke might have gotten polite chuckles in his studio audience, but on social media it ignited a firestorm. Within hours, #BoycottKimmel trended on X, and conservative influencers demanded accountability, calling his words “disrespectful,” “un-American,” and “proof that Hollywood elites hate small-government-shaped people.”
By the next morning, Starbucks issued a statement declaring it could no longer partner with Kimmel, who had served as the face of their “Comedy Over Coffee” ad campaign since 2018.
“At Starbucks, we believe in inclusivity, compassion, and beverages with names that take longer to say than to drink,” the statement read. “Jimmy Kimmel’s comments are inconsistent with our values and, frankly, with the foam artistry we expect from our brand partners.”
The canceled deal was worth an estimated $30 million annually, covering commercials, branded skits, and Kimmel’s lucrative side hustle of taste-testing new Frappuccino flavors. Sources say Kimmel had already banked on the next five years of Starbucks money to cover his Malibu mortgage, his personal sushi chef, and at least two of Matt Damon’s gambling debts.
Kimmel’s agent allegedly tried to salvage the partnership by suggesting a “Charlie Kirk Tribute Latte” — a black coffee served lukewarm and with no sugar — but Starbucks executives rejected it, calling it “not on brand.”
The stock market didn’t wait long to pile on. Shares of Starbucks rose by 12% immediately after the announcement, while Disney stock — which owns ABC and Kimmel’s show — plummeted.
“Investors see this as a win for Starbucks and a catastrophic blow to late-night comedy,” said one analyst. “Frankly, it’s the best decision Starbucks has made since Pumpkin Spice.”
Meanwhile, conservative coffee chains like Black Rifle Coffee and Freedom Roast™ capitalized on the drama, releasing their own ads mocking Kimmel. One commercial showed a barista pouring a latte with the foam art shaped like Charlie Kirk’s face, while the tagline read: “Our coffee respects patriots, not punchlines.”
Kimmel’s late-night peers rushed to his defense — sort of.
Stephen Colbert delivered a three-minute monologue in solidarity but awkwardly pivoted to promoting Dunkin’ Donuts by the end. Seth Meyers tweeted: “Free speech matters, but also… try Peet’s Coffee, it’s underrated.” James Corden, who no longer has a show but somehow always shows up, declared: “I’d like to volunteer to host the Starbucks Holiday Specials in Jimmy’s place.”
Meanwhile, Jay Leno was spotted driving past Kimmel’s house in one of his 500 classic cars, laughing maniacally.
For conservatives, the Starbucks move was nothing short of poetic justice.
Turning Point USA released a celebratory video titled “Caffeinated Karma,” featuring clips of Kimmel’s jokes spliced with footage of empty Starbucks stores. Fox News hosts spent entire segments applauding Starbucks, with Sean Hannity calling it “the boldest stand for freedom since the Boston Tea Party.”
Donald Trump himself weighed in on Truth Social, posting: “Starbucks finally WAKES UP! Jimmy Kimmel is a TERRIBLE host (very low ratings, failing show). Charlie Kirk, a GREAT PATRIOT, would have LOVED this decision. Maybe now Starbucks coffee will taste less like burnt tires!!!”
Not everyone was thrilled with the decision, however. Many Starbucks baristas took to social media to complain that the controversy had doubled their workload.
*“People keep ordering the ‘Charlie Kirk Macchiato,’” one exhausted worker tweeted. “We don’t even know what that is, so we just hand them hot milk and hope they leave.”
Another complained: “I’ve been asked three times today to ‘make it as conservative as possible.’ Sir, I don’t know how to foam your milk with patriotism.”
Kimmel, for his part, addressed the scandal on his show the following night.
“Well, folks, it looks like Starbucks dumped me,” he said with a forced grin. “It’s fine. I’ll survive. I still have Dunkin’, Dutch Bros, and probably my mom’s coffee pot.”
He then attempted to roast Starbucks directly, quipping: “The only thing worse than losing $30 million is drinking a caramel macchiato with your name spelled ‘Jimbo Krimel.’”
Despite the jokes, sources close to Kimmel say he’s genuinely scrambling to replace the lost income. Negotiations are reportedly underway for a new sponsorship deal with LaCroix sparkling water, which insiders describe as “the Starbucks of people who like disappointment.”
Media critics argue the Kimmel-Starbucks fiasco is a watershed moment in the ongoing culture wars.
“We’ve entered an era where comedians are punished not just by cancel culture, but by cappuccino culture,” one columnist observed. “This is less about Charlie Kirk and more about the fact that Starbucks realized patriot customers buy way more lattes than liberal podcasters do.”
Others worry about the precedent: if Starbucks can cancel Kimmel, who’s next? Trevor Noah for mocking oat milk? John Oliver for insulting pumpkin spice? Bill Maher for… existing?
For now, Kimmel remains employed by ABC, but his reputation — and his bank account — has taken a serious hit. Starbucks, meanwhile, is reveling in its newfound role as the unexpected champion of conservative America.
As one Turning Point USA meme put it: “Go woke, lose mocha.”
And somewhere in heaven — or at least in the conservative imagination — Charlie Kirk is supposedly sipping an Americano and smirking, as Jimmy Kimmel stares into his empty wallet.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.