Rep. Jim Jordan sent Washington spinning this week after unveiling his latest proposal — a bill that would ban anyone not born on U.S. soil from ever serving in Congress or the White House. Titled the “Born and Bred in the U.S.A. Act,” it immediately split the nation into two camps: those cheering it as a return to “real American values,” and those wondering if Jordan had recently misplaced his copy of the Constitution.
Standing before a row of American flags, Jordan declared proudly, “If you weren’t born here, you shouldn’t be running the place.” The statement was met with thunderous applause from supporters and a collective sigh from every civics teacher in the country.
Pressed for clarification, Jordan said the bill would apply to anyone “whose first cry wasn’t in an American hospital.” Asked if that meant banning naturalized citizens who’ve lived here for decades, paid taxes, and served in the military, he shrugged. “Love the enthusiasm,” he said, “but patriotism starts at birth.” A reporter pointed out that one of the Founding Fathers, Alexander Hamilton, was born in the Caribbean. Jordan responded, “That’s CNN history. Doesn’t count.”
Hours later, Fox News host Jeanine Pirro charged onto the airwaves to give the bill her full, wine-fueled blessing. “Jim Jordan is absolutely right,” she boomed. “This country was built by Americans, for Americans, who were born right here in America!” She pounded the desk for emphasis as patriotic music swelled in the background. “We’ve got to stand up for our soil!” she declared, which left many viewers unsure whether she was quoting scripture or the lyrics to a Toby Keith song.
Social media lit up instantly. Supporters hailed Pirro as “a modern-day Betsy Ross with better hair,” while critics joked that the new bill might deport Elon Musk mid-Tesla launch. One viral meme featured Pirro wrapped in the American flag, captioned, “Born. Yelling. Proud.” Another showed Jim Jordan shaking hands with a bald eagle, beneath the words, “Soil or Spoil.”
Cable networks dove headfirst into the chaos. Fox News labeled Jordan a hero, running graphics that read “Saving America Again.” CNN held an emergency panel with seven legal experts who all began their sentences with “technically unconstitutional.” MSNBC called it “a bill written by a man allergic to history.” Even C-SPAN got in on the fun when callers spent an hour debating whether Santa Claus could hold office, given his North Pole citizenship.
Legal scholars were baffled. Harvard’s Professor Marsha Klein sighed on camera, “This isn’t how the law works. You can’t just rewrite the Constitution because you’re feeling nostalgic for the 1700s.”
But Jordan’s base wasn’t interested in technicalities. Outside the Capitol, crowds gathered waving banners that read “No More Wombs Abroad!” and chanting, “Born here or gone!” Nearby, counter-protesters held signs that said, “We built your Wi-Fi!”
Pirro, never one to back down, doubled down the following night. “I’m not saying people born elsewhere are bad,” she said, “I’m just saying maybe they should run for office in their own countries — if their countries even allow Fox News!” Within minutes, the quote was turned into a remix on TikTok.
The song, ironically, was produced by a Swedish DJ and climbed the charts overnight. Elon Musk even weighed in, tweeting, “This would technically disqualify me from being President. Interesting.” Jordan’s account replied, “Keep making cars, Elon. We got this.”
On Capitol Hill, the reaction ranged from disbelief to quiet horror. Democrats dismissed it as “constitutional fan fiction.” Moderate Republicans avoided reporters entirely, muttering things like, “Jim’s just… passionate about soil.” But the far-right wing of the party hailed it as “the most patriotic proposal since the Pledge of Allegiance.” One senator even floated an amendment requiring all politicians to present their birth certificates live on television — prompting former President Obama to tweet, “Again?”
Polls showed the public hopelessly divided. Thirty-one percent supported the bill “in spirit,” 27 percent thought it was satire, and the remaining 42 percent said they were too tired to care. One diner patron in Ohio told a reporter, “I like the idea. But if we kick out everyone born somewhere else, who’s gonna make my tacos?” Across the country, college students staged a counter-protest outside Starbucks with signs that read, “No Borders, No Baristas.”
When confronted with criticism, Jordan insisted the Founding Fathers would have agreed. “They crossed the ocean to get away from people who weren’t from here,” he said proudly. A journalist pointed out that this logic would technically make Native Americans the only people eligible for office. Jordan blinked and replied, “We’ll workshop that part.”
Behind the scenes, political strategists admitted the bill was unlikely to pass but called it a “fundraising miracle.” One Republican aide confessed, “Every time Jim introduces something that makes historians cry, our donations triple.” Meanwhile, Jeanine Pirro reportedly began planning a new PAC called “Born Right,” promising to “defend America’s soil with every fiber of her being — preferably silk, made in the U.S.A.”
In the end, the “Born and Bred Act” might never become law, but it did accomplish something remarkable: it reminded Americans that satire no longer needs to exaggerate politics — it just needs to quote it. Late-night comedians joked that the bill was “the first piece of legislation to be fact-checked by ancestry.com.” And as Jeanine Pirro toasted her reflection on live TV with a glass of chardonnay, she declared, “God bless America — and only America!” Somewhere in the distance, even the bald eagle rolled its eyes.