Alex Bruno
In what might be the most bizarre fallout from an Olympic Games since that time they tried to combine figure skating and snowboarding, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has officially banned Paris from hosting any future Olympic Games. The decision came swiftly following the 2024 Paris opening ceremony, which left spectators around the world scratching their heads and clutching their rosaries.
IOC President Thomas Bach, visibly exhausted and probably regretting every life choice that led him to this point, announced the ban during an emergency press conference. “The Olympic Games are meant to be a celebration of unity, sportsmanship, and the spirit of athletic competition,” he began, his voice heavy with the kind of weariness that only comes after watching an ancient chimera attempt a backflip over a rainbow-colored drag queen Jesus. “What we witnessed in Paris, however, was something else entirely—something that I can only describe as a fever dream born from a combination of wokeness and Satanism.”
Bach’s words may seem harsh, but for those who watched the ceremony, it’s hard to argue otherwise. What began as a tribute to Parisian culture quickly spiraled into a chaotic parade of drag queens, faux-apostles, and DJ Barbara Butch performing what can only be described as a “satanic remix” of The Last Supper. For millions of viewers, it was less of a celebration of the Olympic spirit and more of a direct challenge to anyone with traditional religious values or basic human decency.
At the start of the evening, things seemed promising enough. Paris’s historic monuments were on full display as boats carrying athletes from around the world paraded down the Seine, highlighting the architectural beauty of the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, and the ever-iconic Notre Dame Cathedral. But then, something strange happened. The parade of sporting nations quickly gave way to what can only be described as an avant-garde performance piece straight from the fevered imagination of a radical performance artist.
As the athletes waved and smiled, a troupe of drag queens dressed as the apostles—led by none other than DJ Barbara Butch as Jesus—descended onto the scene. What was meant to be a reverent nod to historical France turned into a parody of The Last Supper, complete with disco balls and techno beats. A chimera, because no woke Satanic ceremony is complete without mythological creatures, pranced across the stage, its blue fur glistening as it casually trampled over what remained of the Olympic spirit.
If you were confused watching this, you weren’t alone. Twitter (sorry, X) erupted with reactions ranging from sheer horror to gleeful mockery. “Wait, did I just see Jesus in drag?” tweeted @ConfusedOlympicsFan123. “Is this an Olympic ceremony or an episode of American Horror Story?”
Many Christian groups, as well as viewers from Muslim-majority countries, didn’t find it quite so amusing. The parody of Christ during the parade sparked outrage across the globe, prompting broadcasters in multiple countries to cut the feed, leaving their audiences in blissful ignorance of whatever chaos followed.
Unsurprisingly, the International Olympic Committee took immediate action. The backlash from religious groups, sponsors, and even several countries’ Olympic committees was swift and severe. U.S. sponsors, who tend to prefer their religious figures not be depicted in drag with a techno beat in the background, canceled lucrative contracts. Meanwhile, Muslim-majority nations decried the mockery of sacred religious figures, and Christian groups from the Vatican to the Bible Belt called for an official apology.
In a statement that sounded less like damage control and more like a parent scolding a misbehaving child, IOC President Bach declared: “The Olympic Games were founded on principles of unity, peace, and neutrality. What we witnessed in Paris was a gross violation of these principles. Wokeness and Satanism are not—and never will be—a part of the Olympic charter.”
The ceremony violated Rule 50.2 of the Olympic Charter, which explicitly prohibits political, religious, or racial demonstrations in Olympic venues. But it wasn’t just the politics or the irreverence of the event that caused a stir—it was the overall chaotic, “anything goes” approach that left viewers wondering if anyone was even in charge.
Predictably, Paris’s organizers did not take the criticism lightly. Thomas Jolly, the radical LGBT activist and director behind the opening ceremony, doubled down on his creative choices. “This was a celebration of freedom, a challenge to the norms that bind us, a rejection of tradition for the sake of progress,” Jolly said in an interview with a French arts publication. “If people cannot accept that, then they are simply not ready for the future.”
In a statement that could have only been written by someone who had just spent several weeks preparing a drag queen disco parody of The Last Supper, Jolly added, “Art is meant to provoke. If the world isn’t ready for that, it’s not my problem.”
Despite Jolly’s impassioned defense, even the French government is feeling the heat. Emmanuel Macron, who has spent much of his presidency attempting to balance France’s cultural influence with its global reputation, was reportedly furious. “It’s one thing to celebrate diversity,” a source close to Macron said, “but it’s another to actively alienate half the planet in the process.”
The financial implications of Paris’s creative freedom, however, are no laughing matter. U.S. companies like Visa and Coca-Cola pulled sponsorship deals within hours of the ceremony, and global advertisers are now rethinking their partnerships with the French Olympic Committee. The ceremony, meant to showcase Paris as a vibrant, inclusive city, has instead left the French organizers scrambling to plug the financial leaks from a sinking ship.
“We never imagined that celebrating the diversity of Paris would lead to this,” said one regretful official from the French Olympic Committee. “Maybe we should’ve stuck with baguettes and the Eiffel Tower.”
With Paris permanently banned from hosting future Olympic Games, the IOC is left to consider its options for the next host city. Insiders report that more traditional choices like Rome and Tokyo are being looked at for future Games, as the IOC attempts to course-correct after this “woke and satanic” spectacle.
In the meantime, Paris will be left to ponder whether they truly went too far or whether the world simply wasn’t ready for their particular brand of avant-garde insanity.
As for the rest of us, we’ll be left to wonder whether the next Olympic host city will take heed of Paris’s mistakes—or if, perhaps, we’re just one ceremony away from watching Satan himself light the Olympic flame.
