In a fiery press conference that felt half–Sunday sermon, half–football pep rally, Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced his boldest culture war move yet: a sweeping ban on Pride flags across all public schools in the state.
Abbott, standing before a massive Lone Star backdrop and sipping unsweetened iced tea “because sweet tea is too woke,” leaned into the microphone with the dramatic flair of a man who’s seen one too many Fox News segments.
“Texas will not be a rainbow state,” Abbott declared, wagging his finger at reporters. “We have two flags here: the Texas flag and the American flag. And occasionally, the Dallas Cowboys flag — but only when they’re winning, which is rare.”
The move follows Utah’s recent decision to kick Pride flags out of classrooms, a trend Abbott eagerly jumped on like a cowboy at a rodeo. “If Utah can do it, so can we. And better. Everything’s bigger in Texas, even our bans,” he bragged.
Abbott promised his ban would not only cover Pride flags, but also “any rainbow-colored paraphernalia that looks suspiciously like indoctrination.” This reportedly includes rainbow shoelaces, Lisa Frank folders, and “those cursed unicorn erasers.”
Reactions among parents were predictably divided.
Conservative moms immediately organized “Ban the Rainbow” bake sales, hawking beige-colored cookies and muffins decorated with American flag toothpicks. “It’s about time someone stood up for our kids,” one parent exclaimed while loading a casserole into her SUV.
Progressive parents, however, rolled their eyes so hard one Austin father claimed he saw the back of his skull. “My daughter drew a rainbow in art class, and now the school says it has to be changed to a gradient of red, white, and blue. How do you even explain that to a 7-year-old?”
To enforce the ban, Abbott unveiled a new squad of enforcers dubbed the “Wokeness Rangers.” Wearing cowboy boots, bolo ties, and suspiciously large belt buckles, the Rangers will patrol hallways in search of illicit rainbow displays.
According to Abbott, the Rangers will have the authority to: Confiscate rainbow drawings and replace them with oil derrick sketches.
Swap Pride pins with “Don’t Mess With Texas” buttons and Fine students caught humming “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”
One Ranger, interviewed anonymously, admitted, “Honestly, we just wanted cool hats and free barbecue. But if banning unicorn stickers is what Texas needs, then yeehaw, I guess.”
Teenagers, never ones to miss an opportunity for rebellion, immediately launched countermeasures. TikTok exploded with videos of students wearing rainbow shoelaces, rainbow face paint, and even rainbow grillz in solidarity.
One viral clip featured a group of Dallas high schoolers releasing hundreds of rainbow-colored balloons into the air, captioned: “Good luck banning the sky, Greg.”
By midweek, the hashtag #RainbowRebellionTX had racked up 40 million views, prompting Abbott’s staff to issue a memo: “Do NOT look up what TikTok is saying. It’s just Antifa.”
National figures chimed in almost instantly.
Donald Trump called Abbott’s ban “the greatest decision since Lincoln freed the oil industry” and hinted at offering rainbow-free rallies of his own.
President Biden responded in classic Biden fashion: “Look, folks, rainbows are… c’mon, man, they’re nature. God made them. You can’t ban nature. I tried to ban carbs once, didn’t work.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk tweeted: “Ban rainbow flags, fine. But what about rainbow Teslas? Asking for a friend.” He then announced a limited-edition gray-only Tesla, to be sold exclusively at Bass Pro Shops.
Administrators scrambled to interpret Abbott’s new law. “Are we banning rainbows in math graphs? Weather charts? Literature metaphors?” asked one bewildered principal in Houston. “If we ban rainbows in The Wizard of Oz, what’s left? Just a girl and her dog wandering in Kansas?”
Reports surfaced of one kindergarten teacher forced to repaint a mural of Noah’s Ark because it contained a rainbow. The replacement? A giant Texas flag hovering over the ark while an eagle watches approvingly.
Abbott hinted the rainbow ban is just the beginning. “We’ll keep fighting wokeness wherever it hides,” he vowed. “If that means banning Skittles, so be it. If that means forcing Lucky Charms to go monochrome, we’ll do it. Texans don’t need colors to be happy. They need brisket.”
Insiders say his next target could be rainbow trout, prompting widespread panic among fishermen and chefs alike.
So here we are. In a state where classrooms struggle with underfunding, teachers are quitting in droves, and kids still can’t get Wi-Fi in rural towns, the governor has made banning rainbow flags his hill to die on.
But if Abbott truly thinks students will fold, he’s sorely mistaken. Because as every teenager knows, nothing makes a rainbow shine brighter than trying to snuff it out.
And in Texas, where the skies stretch wide and thunderstorms often end with blazing arcs of color, banning rainbows may prove to be the hardest rodeo Greg Abbott has ever tried to ride.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.