Billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk has announced a $10 million donation to fund the memorial service of late conservative activist Charlie Kirk, calling him “the best of America” and “a true inspiration for anyone who ever wanted to own a podcast mic and yell about socialism.”
The donation, which Musk confirmed in a livestream from his Twitter replacement X, was described as “both heartfelt and slightly tax-deductible.”
“I loved Charlie like a brother,” Musk told his 190 million followers while wearing a “Free Speech or Die” T-shirt. “He represented everything great about America: freedom, guns, small business, and the ability to monetize outrage at scale. To honor him, I’m making sure his memorial is the most technologically advanced, most expensive, and possibly the weirdest funeral in U.S. history.”
Musk’s $10 million pledge is not simply going to flowers and a coffin. Instead, the funds are earmarked for what his team describes as “a next-generation, space-age celebration of Charlie’s life.” Plans include:
A Tesla CyberCasket™ — solar-powered, self-driving, and available in three colors (Freedom Red, Patriot White, and Market Blue). Early reports suggest it may overheat if left in the sun too long.
A 21-Rocket Salute — courtesy of SpaceX, where instead of rifles, Falcon 9 rockets will launch into the atmosphere while blasting Jason Aldean songs. One rocket will reportedly carry Charlie’s ashes into orbit, “so he can yell at the liberals from space.”
Dogecoin Donations Only — Musk confirmed that attendees wishing to support the Kirk family may contribute in Dogecoin, “the most patriotic cryptocurrency,” although Ethereum is reluctantly accepted for “woke millennials.”
Starlink-Enabled Livestream — ensuring the funeral is viewable from anywhere in the world, including submarines, Mars, or the inside of a Whole Foods.
Charlie’s widow, Erika Kirk, expressed gratitude for Musk’s generosity while also noting the… unconventional nature of his ideas.
“I thought we were just planning a normal memorial with hymns, speeches, and casseroles,” Erika told reporters. “But then Elon showed up with blueprints for a hologram, a Tesla hearse, and a flamethrower choir. I suppose Charlie would’ve loved it. Or at least tweeted about it.”
In what organizers described as “a preemptive strike against unnecessary sighing,” Musk announced that Whoopi Goldberg and the entire cast of The View were banned from attending the memorial.
“This event is about patriotism, not cackling,” Musk said. “Besides, if I wanted loud hens arguing about nothing, I’d just go to a shareholder meeting at Tesla.”
A central feature of Musk’s plan is the creation of a 30-foot hologram of Charlie Kirk, projected above the memorial site. Unfortunately, early tests of the hologram have been plagued by glitches.
Instead of delivering a solemn message about America, the hologram accidentally looped a Kirk soundbite shouting, “College is a scam! College is a scam! College is a scam!” for 45 minutes. At one point, the hologram morphed into a low-resolution Shrek before disappearing entirely.
“Elon promised us the hologram would ‘blow people’s minds,’” said one Turning Point USA staffer. “So far, it’s just blowing our electricity budget.”
Though the event was billed as a memorial, insiders confirmed that former President Donald Trump is already planning to hijack the ceremony.
“He’s writing a 90-minute speech titled ‘Charlie Kirk Was Great, But I Am Greater,’” said one aide. “There will be PowerPoint slides comparing Charlie’s crowd sizes to Trump rallies, and at least one chart proving Trump’s approval rating among bald eagles is ‘the highest in history.’”
When asked whether Musk was okay with Trump upstaging him, the billionaire shrugged. “That’s fine. I’ll just name a rocket after myself.”
The memorial service will feature what Musk called “a star-studded cast of patriotic performers.” The lineup includes:
Jason Aldean — performing a new single, “Try That at Charlie’s Funeral in a Small Town.”
Kid Rock — reportedly bringing his own beer cooler, four bald eagles, and a cannon.
Grimes — Musk’s ex, singing a futuristic ballad about Kirk’s soul traveling through wormholes, accompanied by AI-generated bagpipes.
Joe Rogan — officiating the ceremony in between cigar hits, pausing occasionally to ask if Kirk’s ghost might be “tripping in another dimension right now.”
Like all things Musk touches, the memorial reception will be heavily branded. Guests will sip Tesla Energy Drinks, snack on Chick-fil-A sliders, and take home complimentary Neuralink brain-chip coupons.
At one point in the program, attendees will be invited to test drive the new Tesla “Freedom Truck,” which doubles as a hearse and a barbecue smoker.
“Charlie believed in capitalism, and what better way to honor him than to monetize grief?” Musk said proudly.
The internet exploded with commentary. Conservatives hailed Musk as a hero. Fox News ran the headline: “Elon Saves America… Again.”
Meanwhile, liberals were less enthusiastic. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted: “If funerals now cost $10 million, can someone explain why we still can’t afford healthcare?”
Musk responded directly, tweeting: “Healthcare is overrated. Rocket funerals are the future.”
The memorial will conclude with Musk’s pièce de résistance: a SpaceX rocket launch carrying a portion of Kirk’s ashes into orbit. The rocket will then release the ashes to form, at least briefly, the words: “Owning the Libs Forever.”
Whether this works as intended or results in a glittering ash cloud spelling out something less coherent remains to be seen.
Critics have called Musk’s $10 million spectacle “tone-deaf” and “a publicity stunt.” But supporters argue that only Elon Musk could take a solemn occasion like a memorial service and turn it into a cross between Star Wars, NASCAR, and a Chick-fil-A grand opening.
In the end, the extravagance may not matter. For many attendees, the event will simply be a chance to remember Charlie Kirk — with casseroles, fireworks, and a hologram yelling about socialism.
As Musk himself summed it up during his livestream:
“Charlie was my friend. He was America. And if honoring him also boosts Tesla stock by 6 percent, then truly, everybody wins.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.