In what experts are calling “the boldest renaming stunt since Trump tried to trademark the Fourth of July,” U.S. lawmakers have overwhelmingly passed a bill to rename New York City’s Times Square after the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk. Yes, the same Times Square where tourists flock for overpriced Margaritas, street performers dressed as half-naked Spider-Men, and the ball that drops once a year while Ryan Seacrest pretends to still be 30. That Times Square. Now it’s about to be “Charlie Kirk Square.”
The bill, titled *The National Hero Commemoration Act of 2025*, passed in the House by a lopsided 423–12 margin, with only the representatives from Brooklyn and San Francisco voting against it. In the Senate, it breezed through 96–4, after lawmakers spent six hours arguing over whether Kirk’s name should appear in neon or be projected via hologram onto the Forever 21 sign.
“This is about legacy,” said Senator Ted Cruz while adjusting his Kirk commemorative lapel pin. “Charlie Kirk didn’t just tweet; he changed lives. He didn’t just question reality—he redefined it.” Cruz went on to explain that, in his view, renaming Times Square was “the bare minimum” America owed Kirk, who he insisted was “the philosopher-king of our time, like Socrates, but with better hair gel.”
Already, New York City officials are preparing tourists for the historic change. According to Mayor Eric Adams, giant LED billboards will soon replace their ads for Broadway shows and Dunkin’ Donuts with looping images of Kirk’s smiling face, accompanied by Kid Rock’s tribute ballads blasting from every corner. “We’re turning the crossroads of the world into a permanent Turning Point rally,” Adams said, before admitting he had no idea how to break the news to Hamilton ticket holders.
The decision has sparked confusion among visitors. “I thought it was named Times Square because of the *New York Times*,” said Ingrid Müller, a German tourist. “Now I have to tell my friends I went to Charlie Kirk Square? They will think I went to some local tractor convention.”
New Yorkers, as usual, responded with a shrug. “They can call it whatever they want, it’s still gonna smell like hot dog water and regret,” said longtime Hell’s Kitchen resident Tony Delgado. “Honestly, if it keeps the Naked Cowboy off my block, I’m fine with it.”
Of course, renaming America’s most famous tourist trap doesn’t happen without merch. Within hours of the vote, vendors were hawking “I ❤️ Charlie Kirk Square” T-shirts, mugs, and snow globes. Times Square’s official gift shops announced they’d be selling miniature Charlie Kirk bobbleheads that nod approvingly when you shout, “Freedom!”
Disney, never one to miss a branding opportunity, is already planning a crossover. The company’s statement hinted that Mickey Mouse will soon be posing for pictures in a Kirk-branded suit. Rumors even suggest the company is considering renaming its iconic “Disney Times Square” store to “Disney Presents Charlie Kirk: The Store.”
Not everyone is thrilled with the new legislation. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whose district is a subway ride away, called the move “the single most absurd use of congressional time since we debated whether pizza counts as a vegetable.” She warned that Times Square, already congested with flashing ads and lost tourists, might become “a 24/7 Republican cosplay carnival.”
But supporters brushed off the criticism. Senator Josh Hawley declared that “this is not political—it’s patriotic,” before posing for a photo with the newly unveiled “Kirk Square Pretzel Stand.” Mitch McConnell, who spoke briefly before falling asleep, muttered: “I’ve seen a lot in my time, but this one’s got legs. Long neon legs.”
Congress isn’t stopping at renaming Times Square. Lawmakers have proposed additional tributes, including carving Kirk’s face into the Statue of Liberty’s torch and replacing the “Fearless Girl” statue with a bronze of Kirk holding a megaphone. Plans are also underway for an annual “Kirk Countdown” every New Year’s Eve, where instead of a crystal ball, a massive golden Kirk head descends while the crowd chants, “Free markets, free minds, free merch!”
The tourism board is cautiously optimistic. Analysts predict that Charlie Kirk Square could attract millions of new visitors, particularly from Turning Point USA conferences and Kid Rock fan clubs. “This could be the MAGA Disney World,” said one economist. “Except the rides are just opinion panels and the mascots are guys selling supplements out of the back of a pickup truck.”
World leaders chimed in with mixed reviews. Britain’s Prime Minister said he was “perplexed, but supportive if it boosts tourism.” France condemned it as “cultural vandalism,” while Canada offered to rename its own Niagara Falls observation deck “Jordan Peterson Falls” in solidarity. Vladimir Putin, never missing a chance to stir the pot, called the move “a masterstroke in Western propaganda” before suggesting Moscow might rename Red Square after Steven Seagal.
As construction crews begin replacing signage, New York’s most iconic plaza prepares to undergo its biggest identity change since MTV stopped playing music videos. Love it or hate it, Charlie Kirk’s name will soon beam in fluorescent glory above the same street where Elmo hustles selfies and Guy Fieri has a restaurant that no one admits eating at.
“It’s what Charlie would’ve wanted,” Senator Marjorie Taylor Greene said while unveiling a prototype Kirk hologram that will preach capitalism to wandering tourists. “And if you don’t like it, go stand in Union Square.”
Critics argue that Americans may eventually regret cementing Kirk’s legacy in the heart of Manhattan. But for now, Times Square—the chaotic, loud, overpriced beating heart of American consumerism—has found its new face. And it’s Charlie Kirk’s, grinning forever over Broadway, bathed in neon, while millions ask, “Who thought this was a good idea?”
One thing is clear: when future generations ask why the crossroads of the world bears the name of a conservative podcaster turned martyr, the only answer will be, “Because Congress thought it would get them reelected.”
And in true New York fashion, everyone will simply keep walking.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.