In a shocking twist that even late-night comedy couldn’t script, ABC’s grand attempt to roll Jimmy Kimmel back onto America’s living room screens this week fell flat — not because viewers didn’t want it, but because stations themselves simply refused to air it. From Portland to Pittsburgh, affiliates across the country announced they’d rather fill the airtime with anything else: reruns of Shark Tank, extended weather reports, or, in one case, a 30-minute ad for an anti-snoring device.
The decision comes after Kimmel’s suspension earlier this month, triggered by his controversial comments about the late Charlie Kirk. While ABC corporate made a dramatic announcement that Jimmy Kimmel Live! would be back on September 23, dozens of stations owned by groups like Sinclair and Nexstar shrugged and said: “Not on our antennas, buddy.”
In Salt Lake City, the local ABC affiliate proudly advertised: “No Jimmy Tonight! Tune in for 60 Minutes of Farm Report Instead.” Ratings reportedly quadrupled as viewers finally learned the proper time to harvest alfalfa.
In Dallas, one station said they’d rather loop the Yule Log — even though it’s September — than broadcast “Kimmel’s woke bedtime story hour.”
Meanwhile, in Ohio, the Columbus affiliate took the bold step of airing static. “We felt that white noise was less offensive than Jimmy Kimmel,” explained the station manager, who claimed audience feedback was “overwhelmingly positive.”
Analysts say this blackout is more than just a programming spat. After Starbucks famously cut ties with Kimmel, costing him $30 million in endorsements, many local stations were spooked by the potential backlash of airing him. One executive put it bluntly: “If Starbucks won’t touch him, why should we?”
Instead, affiliates leaned into safer, more patriotic options. In Florida, one station swapped out Kimmel’s return for a marathon of Walker, Texas Ranger. In Alabama, the slot was given to a local preacher who spent the entire half-hour reading Bible verses about humility while sipping a Chick-fil-A milkshake.
Social media quickly dubbed the fiasco “The Kimmel Blackout,” with hashtags like #NoMoreJimmy and #BetterThanKimmel trending. Even Kimmel’s fellow late-night hosts joined in the pile-on. Jimmy Fallon tweeted: “Can I have his affiliates? I promise to only cry on-air twice a week.”
Stephen Colbert quipped: “This is what happens when you joke about Charlie Kirk in 2025. Even reruns of Wheel of Fortune are more marketable.”
ABC executives, on the other hand, were furious. In an emergency Zoom call, one Disney higher-up reportedly screamed: “We brought him back! You can’t just choose not to air him!” To which a Nexstar representative allegedly replied: “Watch us.”
So what did viewers across the country tune into during Kimmel’s great absence?
In Portland: “Oregon’s Best Alpacas: A 3-Part Documentary”
In Nashville: a live broadcast of Jason Aldean’s rehearsal for his “One Nation, One Flag” tour
In Arizona: a memorial highlight reel of Charlie Kirk speeches, complete with dramatic slow-motion edits and country guitar riffs
In Chicago: a test pattern accompanied by smooth jazz — which reportedly outperformed Kimmel’s average ratings
One affiliate even dug up reruns of Alf, declaring that “a snarky alien puppet feels less outdated than Jimmy Kimmel.”
Kimmel, never one to shy away from controversy, addressed the blackout in a monologue posted to YouTube (since half the country couldn’t see him on TV). “I guess I’m so dangerous now that ABC affiliates would rather air lawn mower commercials than my jokes,” he said, attempting a smile that looked more like indigestion.
He also accused the stations of political cowardice: “This isn’t about me, it’s about free speech. If they can silence me, they can silence your grandma at Thanksgiving. And nobody silences Grandma.”
The video racked up millions of views online, though comments ranged from “Stay strong, Jimmy!” to “My grandma’s funnier than you.”
Of course, Washington couldn’t resist chiming in.
President Trump, attending Charlie Kirk’s memorial, declared: “This is the best ratings decision in history. Jimmy Kimmel is finished, folks. Totally finished. I’d rather watch paint dry — and I have watched a lot of paint.”
Vice President JD Vance praised the affiliates for “standing up against cultural rot” and offered to replace Kimmel’s airtime with a new show titled “Vance Unfiltered.”
On the other side, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez blasted the blackout as “corporate censorship,” tweeting: “First they came for Kimmel, and I said nothing because I was watching Netflix.”
Meanwhile, NBC reportedly huddled to discuss whether Jimmy Fallon might be next on the chopping block, with one executive saying: “We can’t afford a Fallon Fiasco.”
In the end, though, the blackout may have been the best thing to happen to Jimmy Kimmel in years. His YouTube monologue trended worldwide, merchandise sales of “Free Jimmy” shirts spiked, and his fanbase — however small — now feels like part of an oppressed underground movement.
Still, one can’t ignore the sheer absurdity of the moment. A comedian once criticized for being too mainstream is now too toxic for TV stations that happily air 12 hours of Judge Judy reruns.
As one confused viewer in Des Moines summed it up: “I don’t know what Jimmy said, but if it got me more Wheel of Fortune, I’m fine with it.”
Jimmy Kimmel may return, he may not, but one thing is clear: America’s local affiliates have spoken. And when forced to choose between Kimmel’s smirking monologues and a half-hour of infomercials about toenail clippers, the toenail clippers win every time.
Because in 2025, apparently, that’s the punchline.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.