LOS ANGELES — In a shocking but entirely reasonable move, ABC has officially ended Jimmy Kimmel Live! and imposed a lifetime ban on its host, Jimmy Kimmel, for daring to suggest that the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk was not the second coming of George Washington riding an eagle made of liberty.
The network, a subsidiary of Disney (now apparently co-owned by the Federal Communications Commission and the ghost of Ronald Reagan), announced the decision late Wednesday, after Kimmel committed the ultimate crime against humanity: expressing an opinion during his monologue.
“Charlie is our hero,” said ABC Spokesman and newly appointed Director of National Feelings, Brent Emotionalson. “When Jimmy suggested — and we shudder to repeat it — that Tyler Robinson, the alleged shooter, may have been politically aligned with MAGA, we realized he had crossed the line. The sacred line. The line where jokes become terrorism.”
Kimmel, who was reportedly last seen wandering aimlessly near the Warner Bros. lot muttering “It was just a joke, right?”, has not been fired per se. Instead, he has been banished — a far more noble and medieval form of discipline.
According to sources inside ABC, Kimmel will spend the remainder of his life producing apology videos on TikTok from a basement in Burbank. He will also be required to write daily thank-you letters to Charlie Kirk’s estate and draw caricatures of Donald Trump riding a Harley into the sunset.
“America must heal,” said FCC Chairman Brendan Carr while tearing up a copy of the Constitution and using it to clean his rifle. “And that healing begins with the silencing of late-night comedians who refuse to read the room. We’re here to protect free speech — by punishing the wrong kind of free speech.”
Nexstar Media Group, known primarily for being the Applebee’s of media conglomerates, quickly joined the fray by preempting Jimmy Kimmel Live! on all its ABC-affiliated stations.
“We simply cannot have this kind of unbalanced, liberal nonsense on our airwaves,” said Nexstar President Andrew Alford from atop a mountain of campaign finance checks. “Kimmel’s monologue was a direct assault on our values, our viewers, and, most importantly, our pending $6.2 billion merger. We are morally outraged — and coincidentally also under intense regulatory scrutiny. Total coincidence.”
Sources claim that Nexstar has offered to replace Kimmel’s timeslot with a new show tentatively titled Charlie at Night: The Eternal Flame, which will feature a rotating cast of conservative thought leaders reading Charlie Kirk tweets to a studio audience of golden retrievers and bald eagles.
As expected, Donald Trump responded to Kimmel’s pre-emption with the humility and grace for which he is universally known.
“Great news for America,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “The ratings-disaster Jimmy Kimmel Show is CANCELLED. ABC is doing what they should’ve done years ago — replacing him with someone who understands TRUE AMERICAN VALUES, like Charlie Kirk, or me, or one of my golden statues.”
He continued: “NBC better take notes. Jimmy Fallon’s next. He once winked at me wrong in 2015. Seth Meyers too — he made a joke about my hair that hurt my feelings.”
Meanwhile, the White House’s official “Rapid Response Account” (which now exclusively posts animated GIFs and spicy memes) simply tweeted:
“Jimmy is a sick freak.”
(Attached: an edited video of Kimmel morphing into Karl Marx with Satan’s laugh in the background.)
Political insiders say this incident marks the official death of late-night satire, which had been on life support since Jon Stewart left The Daily Show and Trevor Noah tried to explain jokes using footnotes.
“Late-night hosts used to make fun of everyone,” said former ABC executive and current Twitter philosopher Ron McGuff. “Now they just make fun of people I personally like. That’s a constitutional crisis.”
In a show of bipartisan unity, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer condemned the ban, saying, “This is about more than Jimmy Kimmel. This is about protecting democracy — and the fundamental right to joke about dead people with political baggage.”
He was immediately accused of being “pro-death” by conservative pundits, leading to calls for his immediate resignation and possible trial at The Hague.
In the wake of the controversy, media companies are rushing to update their editorial guidelines. ABC is reportedly drafting a new internal policy known as The Charlie Clause, which will prohibit:
Any suggestion that MAGA supporters have ever done anything wrong, ever.
Late-night monologues not approved in advance by the FCC, the RNC, and two local pastors from Arkansas.
“We’re moving toward a more respectful and controlled media environment,” said Disney spokesperson Harmony Virtue. “One where no one is ever offended — provided they are white, wealthy, conservative, and have at least one podcast.”
Rumors are swirling that ABC plans to replace Kimmel’s show with a new program hosted by a deepfake Charlie Kirk and an AI version of Ronald Reagan.
The show, reportedly called Late Night with Kirk & Friends, will feature comedy sketches like “Woke Joke Smackdown,” live readings of old PragerU essays, and a recurring segment called Tears of the Libs, in which progressive tweets are printed out and shredded on-air.
“We believe America is ready for smart, family-friendly comedy about tax cuts and airport deregulation,” said showrunner Tucker Carlson.
Reached for comment, Kimmel issued a brief statement from what appeared to be a Chili’s parking lot:
“I thought free speech was still a thing. Guess I missed the memo. If anyone needs an MC for a bar mitzvah, karaoke night, or your pet’s birthday party — I’m available. Just don’t ask me about Charlie.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.